Micah was in my dream

During the night I had a dream where I was working as a flight attendant. Micah was with me on this trip. We were going to have a mini vacation where the plane was heading. Micah was about 10-12 years old. He still had his beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes and he was so handsome.

After the plane landed, all the passengers were off and I was finished with my duties, I went to the place where Micah was supposed to have been. He ended up not being there. I looked everywhere for him, shouting his name doing everything I could to find him. He ended up being kidnapped by someone and I never found him.

I was devastated all over again. I was SOOOO HAPPY to have Micah in my dream. I was SOOOO EXCITED that we were going to do something fun together. That we were going to make a memory, something we couldn't do in real life. It all shattered when I ended up losing him in the dream too. How come even in my dreams I can't keep him???? ITS NOT FAIR!!!

I Just Wish I Could Feel Better!!!!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY these past 2 weeks have been SOOOO HARD emotionally for me??!!!   I haven't been this bad and for this long in THREE YEARS!!!  Like I said in my last post, I was really struggling emotionally since the day after my nephews were born.  I was SO HAPPY for them up until that point.  I was hoping that my feelings would get better after just a few days, but here it is over 10 days later and I still feel the same.  Just thinking about my nephews or hearing someone talk (gush) about them just is another stab in the heart.  I feel like someone is squeezing my lungs and it's hard to breathe.  I feel a heavy weight on me and it's hard to focus on anything.  I feel so empty and my arms are hurting SO MUCH to hold our kids.   

It hurts so much to be on FB anymore.  There are way too many pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and pictures of babies for me right now.   Today marks 3&1/2 years since I lost Micah.  On Wednesday, it will be 2 years since I lost Monkey and Cub.  I KNOW no one else will remember Wednesday, except maybe Star.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HURTING SO MUCH!!!!  I WISH I WOULD JUST FEEL BETTER!!!!  More then anything though, I WISH I COULD HAVE LITTLE MAN, RAIN, MONKEY & CUB BACK!!!!

My 2 Day Old Nephews (TRIGGER)

My sister-in-law had twin boys yesterday. All during her pregnancy I was so happy for her (she has had 3 losses herself). I was over the moon happy yesterday after they were born. I was beyond in love with them when i visited and held them yesterday. My arms felt full for the first time since I held my son who was stillborn. My husband was glowing and couldn't bear to let them go. He kept calling them his babies and was definitely one proud uncle. He would have made such a great dad to our 4 Angles.

I went to see them again today. I was perfectly fine and was excited to see them. All of the sudden about 5 minutes away from the hospital, an overwhelming sadness came over me and I just thought I can't do this. I began to tear up and think I can't see them. I went anyways and I ending up holding one of the twins for over an hour. I had so many mixed emotions as I was holding my nephew. I loved and yet I resented being able to hold him. I was teary eyed for about 10 minutes. I'm teary eyed again as I write this.

I don't understand how I was so happy, excited and thrilled one moment and the very next just want to hide and sob. I don't understand why my nephews were so therapeutic and soothed my empty arms yesterday but today no matter how long I held them, they didn't help.

These the first surviving grandchildren on my husbands side so everyone is SUPER EXCITED!!! Everyone is giving their congrats to my SIL, her husband and my in-laws. They are making a huge deal about them being the first. Right now I want to scream what about my 4 children. What about the 3 my SIL lost???

And it makes me so angry at myself to have these feelings.

A LONG 2 MONTHS!!!!

It was 2 months ago today that Bear asked me to pick him up from work at 11:30 and let me know he had been fired.  Long story short, it was not Bear's fault.  His boss just had unrealistic goals and time lines for projects.  With each day, I felt like I was drowning.  The stress and worry about what we were going to do and where we were going was oppressive.  The constant stress and worry made Bears depression sky rocket.  It was just as bad as it was after we lost Little Man and Rain and then again when we lost Monkey and Cub. We didn't sleep!  I can count on one hand how many times we got to bed before 4AM (if we went to bed at all).  Bear slept on the couch every night.  He didn't think he was good or worthy enough to sleep in our bed.  I could go on and on about how this was just another of the many hells we have lived through since we got married almost 5 years ago.

Yesterday, we finally found solid ground again.  We moved in with my in-laws and even in just the few hours we've been here, I have peace once more.  The closer I got to my in-laws place, the more relief I felt and I couldn't get here fast enough.  I LOVE my in-laws. I LOVE the feelings that are in their home.  They, and their home are a refuge from the storms life throws my way.  I am so blessed to have them in my life and that we have this safe place to rest until we can get back on our feet.  

As I look back on these past 2 months, it caused me to see a little bit of the good at not having living children OR that I ended up not having the surgery.  Having a larger family or having to pay for the surgery would have put much more stress on Bears and his depression much worse.  Not having living children made moving much faster and easier.  We didn't have to pack anything extra that we didn't need.  Being just the 2 of us made it much easier for my in-laws to accommodate our extended stay.  Also, when we get back on our feet, it will be easier for us to go when and where we have or want to go.  

Having no living children also allowed us to focus on and spend time with just each other.  We became closer as a couple and strengthened who we are individually and who we are together.  I'm blessed to have Bear as my partner.   

Foster & Adoption Playlist #2

Here is another Foster & Adoption playlist.  The fist one was published on 2/12/16.  ENJOY!!!!


#'s


A
A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion
Answer by Sarah McLachlan
Arms by Christina Perri



B
Blown Away by Carrie Underwood
Broken by David Archuleta


C
Child Of My Heart by Becky Wright
Confessions of a Broken Heart by Lindsay Lohan


D
Do You Love Me As Your Own by Janice Kapp Perry


E
Everybody Hurts by David Archuleta


F
Forevermore by David Archuleta


G



H
Harbor by Vienna Teng


I
I Get To Love You by Ruelle
I'll Never Go by David Archuleta
I'll Never Let You Down by Colbie Caillat
It Might Be Hope for Primary Children's Hospital in Utah


J



K



L
Lights Will Guide You Home by Coldplay


M
Mean by Taylor Swift


N



O



P



Q



R



S
Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara
Superman (It's Not Easy) by Five for Fighting

T
Take Me, I'll Follow You by Bobby Caldwell
This Time Tomorrow by Trent Debbs
There's A Place For Us by Carrie Underwood
To Be With You by David Archuleta


U



V



W
Waiting For My Real Life To Begin by Colin Hay
When I Find You, I'll Find Me by Joshua Radin


X



Y



Z

PAIL PLAYLIST #2

Here is the long awaited PAIL PLAYLIST #2.  The first playlist is dated 2/13/17.


Please note that these songs represent the entire spectrum in the grieving process.  There are songs that come from deep, dark, agonizing places.  Some songs create healing.  There are songs that bring hope that things will get better.  There are songs that just let your child(ren) know you love and miss him/her/them.  There are songs that strengthen faith in God and His plan.  There are also songs for those who are farther along in the journey who are living in brighter days.  There is a wide range of thoughts, feelings and emotions that can come from these songs.  If you are unable to listen to a song on this list because you aren't at that point yet or you are having a bad moment, THAT IS ALRIGHT!!! PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME AND KNOW IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK!!!  You will get through this!!!!


#'s



A
All The Kings Horses by Karmina
A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion



B
Baby Blue by George Strait
Better Place by Rachel Platten
Break by Rebecca Roubion & Jake Etheridge



C



D




E
Everybody Hurts by David Archuleta
Everything Changes by Sara Bareilles


F




G




H
Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie


I
I Can't Breathe by Bea Miller
If I Needed You by Joey+Rory
If You Can See Me Now by Jeff Bates
I Get To Love You by Ruelle
Inner Demons by Julia Brennan


J
Joey's Song by Joey Martin Freek
Just Another Tragic Story by 5Bugs



K



L




M


N
Not A Day Goes By by Lonestar
Not Right Now by Jason Gray


O
Our God Is In Control by Steven Curtis Chapman


P



Q



R




S
See You There by Joey Freek
Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood
Strong Enough To Cry by Joey Martin

T
This Lullaby by Wanda Lindstrom
The Other Side Of Night by Lyndsay Taylor
There You'll Be by Faith Hill
To Say Goodbye by Joey+Rory


U




V
Volcano by Emily Hearn



W
Wait by David Archuleta
When Faith Runs Deep by Lyndsay Taylor
When I'm Gone by Joey+Rory
Worlds Apart by Joshua Radin


X



Y
You Are The Reason by Calum Scott
You Don't Know by Katelyn Tarver
You'll Be There by Cory Mayo
You Will Be Found from Dear Evan Hansen


Z

2 Years Ago & Today

2 years a go today, I made this announcement on Facebook:    I'M PREGNANT!!!! Bear and I found out on Wednesday but we wanted to make sure things were going OK so far before sharing it with others. Things are looking OK so far but my doctor wants me to get an ultrasound in about 2 weeks. I am 5 weeks today and due March 21, 2016.

It's been 17 months since we lost Little Man and 14 months since we lost Rain. We are both beyond ecstatic to have another opportunity to be parents and hopefully we will have a take home baby this time.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and virtual hugs you have given us over the years. SURE LOVE AND MISS YOU ALL!!!

I received 19 comments ranging from CONGRATULATIONS to I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.  60 other people gave me a thumbs up for the happy news.  

Today I reposted that message AND added this:  Tragically I would lose this pregnancy 20 days later (this time with twins). I LOVE AND MISS YOU LITTLE MAN, RAIN, MONKEY & CUB!!! OUR LOVE WILL FIND YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE (ESPECIALLY IN HEAVEN)!!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE RESPONSE I GOT FOR TODAYS POST??????  ONE SINGLE CRYING FACE (and that was from my Father-In-Law).  I haven't gotten a single comment or any other reaction!!!!!  Sure when I have happy news, everyone comes running but when I mention my DEAD CHILDREN, NOTHING!!!!  I wonder what reaction I will get on August 9th for Monkey and Cubs' 2nd Angelversary  and on August 19th for Day of Hope???

It just hurts beyond words when your Lost child(ren) get overlooked, ignored and forgotten!!!!