Tate

Today I was planning on being sad!!!  Today was the day I was going to have surgery to fix my septate uterus but life got in the way and chased away any hope of it ever happening.  I was planning on being down in the dumps, so focused on what I wanted above everything for my entire life and not being able to have it.  Instead I got to reconnect with a very dear cousin and help her feel better about her own Losses.

My cousin, Tate, had a difficult life.  She had a younger sister (just 11 months younger then her) who had SEVERE mental and physical disabilities that needed 24 hour care.  Tate was lost with everyones focus on her little sister.  She had a hard time coping and developed unique quirks that kept her isolated from those around her.  I visited Tate and my other extended family every summer until I had to stop to take care of my elderly grandparents and then I got married.  I lost track of her and many of my extended family over the years, but today I was able to reconnect with Tate and had the most wonderful discussion.  I felt bad for Tate and her family when I heard that her sister passed away last year.

One year ago today, she lost her 3 month-old daughter Flutterbye due to a chromosome abnormality.  Tate had her FB wall blasted with pictures and messages of Flutterby.  Flutterby was BEAUTIFUL!!!  I noticed another cousin posted pictures and a message for Flutterby and tagged Tate  I immediately commented on the post and sent her a friend request.   Tate accepted the friend request and then send me a message that she was so happy to get my request.  She has been wanting to befriend me for a long time but she was afraid that I wouldn't remember her (so funny because I was afraid she wouldn't remember me).  We spent the next hour talking about our Angels (besides Flutterby, she has had 2 miscarriages) and how much we love and miss them.  We talked about things that only other Loss parents would understand.

We also talked about how our husbands have handled the Losses.  We agreed that Loss Daddies are DEFINITELY more forgotten then Loss  Mamas.  They lost their children too, but because society forces them to act tough , they can't show the hurt, anger, sadness etc.  I suggested to Tate to get stuffed animals for her babies so her husband and her can cuddle them when they need to feel their children close.  She told me she snuggles with the blanket Flutterby had at the hospital when she is sad.

Tate had to get off and get dinner for her husband then, but she promises to keep in contact.  I sure hope so.  It was so wonderful talking with her!!!  It was exactly what we BOTH needed for today.  We both needed someone to talk to who understood about losing children and not having any living ones in our arms.  We both needed someone who we already had a bond with but didn't know our past histories.  Someone we could start fresh with and someone we didn't have to pretend or hide for.

My thoughts, prayers and hugs go out to my dear cousin, her husband, her 3 Angels and her Angel sister.

Letting Go

In a few weeks, my husband and I are moving for the 7th time in just under 5 years (my husband has a very transient job). Through all of the past moves, we both have kept many keepsakes that we saved to pass down to our future children. We kept old childhood books and toys, random pictures of us as kids and since we've been together, items that we got from our parents and grandparents. I also had baby stuff I got for my pregnancy with Little Man before I lost him at 24weeks, that I kept hoping there would be other babies I would finally be able to use them for. Sadly, I just lost 3 more babies.

As we are packing up to move this time, we realize that there is no reason to keep all of these things. We don't have any children to pass them down too and we never will. It will just cost a lot of money and time to pack these items one more time when we know there is now no reason. We told our family that they can have what they want and the rest will be giving to Goodwill or the dumpster. We are defiantly keeping the 3 boxes full of the keepsakes of our 4 Angels. Other then that we are down to just keeping a washer and dryer, a bed frame, a rug, a chair, a few wall hangings and a few boxes of clothes and a few nic-nacs.

It has been so hard for me to let the other items go. I had dreams of passing them down and telling my children the stories and memories of the items. These items gave me hope that one day I would be a Mommy and have my life-long dream in my arms. Letting these items go and giving them away is a physical act of showing that I am giving up on ever having children. It just makes the ache in my empty arms a bit stronger right now.

I'm trying really hard to focus on the good things of us not having living children, all the things we will never have to worry about and how free my husband and I can be, especially with his job. Deep inside though, a voice keeps reminding me I would give anythings to have a reason to have those worries.

My Decision

It is with broken heart that I write about my decision that I will no longer pursue getting my septate uterus fixed.  I can't believe I am letting go of the ONLY way I will be able to have biological children.  I have been wanting, waiting and aching to hold my own child for DECADES and this surgery is my one chance.  But alas, Bear lost his job and our insurance and I will be too old if he ever got major insurance again.  Having children has literally been my life long dream.  That is all I have ever wanted.  

That is not possible anymore, so I have to accept it.  I must find new dreams, a new purpose.  I must come to realize that being a mother is not the only thing in life, that there are other important things I should be doing with my life.  Being a mother does not define who I am.  Besides, being a woman I was inateley created to nurture, care for and love all those around me, biologically related to me or not.  There are many things I can do to fulfill my nurturing needs and do good in this life.  These will be my new dreams, my new wishes, my new purpose, my new direction in life.  

I know there will be hard moments where I will be devastated, sad, lonely and even mad as I transition from one life long dream to another.  It won't be easy to give up the first life and it won't be easy to accept the new one.  I just have to true to who I really am and what really defines me.  

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!

Father's Day is in a few hours and my heart breaks for my husband for the 4th year in a row. Our oldest should have turned 3, 2 weeks ago and we should have a 2 year old and 1 year old twins. I KNOW his heart is as broken as mine and his arms are as empty as mine. He wanted and loved our 4 children beyond words. He spent 2&1/2 years in depression because he missed our kids so much.

He has been much better this year and is much happier (until he lost his job a few weeks a go). I on the other hand am so focused on the kids we lost and the kids we will never have. I feel so bad because it is making him feel like he isn't enough for me. Like I only want him so he can give me kids. Its not true but it's so hard to let the thought of kids go, especially since all I have ever wanted was to be a Mommy since I was 4.

WHY ISN'T HE ENOUGH FOR ME???? WHY DO ALL I WANT IS KIDS WHEN I HAVE AN AMAZING HUSBAND RIGHT BY MY SIDE???? HOW CAN I GET RID OF THE ACHING IN MY ARMS AND HEART AND JUST BE HAPPY WITH HIM???? IT'S NOT FAIR TO ME AND IT DEFINITELY IS NOT FAIR TO MY HUSBAND!!!

Surgery is probably postponed

My surgery may need to be postponed for awhile.  Bear lost his job yesterday and we lost our insurance.  I may have to wait until Bear gets a new job and save up some more money before I can get it done.  NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!

I'll update as soon as I know what will happen.

Rain's 3rd Angelversary

3 years ago today, Bear and I became the parents of 2 Angles with the loss of a our beautiful daughter, Rain.  Bear and I only knew about her coming for 10 days before she left, but our lives are blessed because we had and continue to have her in our lives and in our hearts.  She brought and continues to bring the light, beauty, hope, peace and promise into our lives that we needed after we lost Micah.  I nicknamed her Rain because she was to be our Rainbow Baby. 

No words can describe how dark our lives were the 3 months before Rain came.  There was nothing but tears, storms, confusion, unrelenting grief, cold, loneliness, numbness...  All we wanted was to have Little Man with us again but there was nothing we could do.  We had to find a way to continue to live without our son.

A glimmer of light, beauty, hope, peace and promise broke through the storm clouds when I found out I was expecting again.  It was Mother's Day and Bear and I were on a mini vacation to get me out of town on that unimaginably difficult day.  I had been feeling off for a few days so I decided to take a test in the early morning on Mother's Day (May 11, 2014).  I woke Bear up so we would be together no matter what the outcome was.  It was positive!!!  Just as there are no words to describe what losing Little Man was like, there are no words to describe what having Rain come is like either.  We both were so happy, thankful and able to live again.  I spent days on cloud 9 again.  The future was bright and happy again.  

I thought for sure we would be able to keep her this time.  I didn't think God would take BOTH our babies away from us, especially since He knew how much we BOTH wanted and needed her.  Tragically, I was wrong.  I must have took at least 10 tests to make sure she was staying this time.  With each test I would check to see how much darker the line  would be.  I would compare them to past tests but I panicked when the lines weren't getting darker.  Towards the end, the lines got fainter.  Inside, I was begging to God to PLEASE not take her.  PLEASE let me keep her.

On May 19th, I had a vivid dream where we lost our Little Rain.  In the dream, my sister Star and I were walking along a dirt road to the general store/ post office.  I was in a daze and completely numb.  I felt lost and overwhelmed with grief.  It was a struggle just to take each step.  I realized that I had just lost another child.  I had lost Little Man a few months before, just like in real life.  Now I had lost another baby, and I remember thinking that better not become my realty also.  Star and I reach the general store/ post office and we see a tiny white casket sitting on the counter.  We notice the lid of the casket was on crooked and I have an emotional melt down.  I scream asking what was wrong with my baby.  Why wasn't the lid on properly.  I scream for several minutes before Star calms me down enough for her to pull me over to a corner while she checks things out.

As Star walks over to the casket, I pace back and forth in the corner begging God to please let me have my baby back.  I hear Star take a gasp and I run over to see what was wrong.  As I am running, Star is looking down at my daughter and exclaims  "SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL!!!"  I reach the casket and look down and I see the MOST BEAUTIFUL baby, girl, person, human I have ever seen!!!!  I remember thinking I didn't know I could give birth to a literal angel.  

The baby girl is SO BEAUTIFUL!!! She is tiny (probably about the same age as Little Man), but her skin is perfect and rosy.  She is dressed in a beautiful long white lace and eyelet dress that goes to her ankles and has a matching bonnet.  A halo of warm, bright light surrounds her.  I caress her head, her cheeks, her hands, her tiny feet and I am in complete awe of this angelic being who came to earth to be my daughter as I say "My Rain! My Rain! I lost my beautiful Rain!"


When I woke up from that dream, I knew I would indeed lose her too.  I lost her too soon so I don't have anything to 'prove' she existed.  I just remember her as that beautiful angel in my dream.  I know one day I will have her again and will never be separated again.    


         

2 poems for Loss Mothers

Here are 2 poems I have clung too over the past 3 years, ESPECIALLY around Mother's Day



Poem # 1

What Makes a Mother

By Jennifer Wasik

Written with love for all the Mother's missing their babies

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today I asked, “what makes a Mother”? And I know I heard Him say, A Mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? "Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in His voice, "I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and other's for a day And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay." I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath, and cleared His throat, and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing here. If you could see your child smile with other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here!” I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here.” So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay Your babies are here in My home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one. Poem #2 Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven,  and though it must appear A rather strange idea, I see everything from here. I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother as this day for her is hard. There must be some mistake, I thought, every card you can imagine Except I could not find a card,  from a child from heaven.  She still is a mother too, no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands but oh the tears she cried.  I thought that if I wrote youx that you would come to know That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so. She talks with me, and dreams with me. We still share laughter too, Memories our way of speaking now, Would you see what you could do? My mother carries me in her heart, Her tears she hides from sight. She writes poems to honor me, Sometimes far into the night. She plants flowers in my garden, There my living memory dwells. She writes other grieving parents,  Trying to ease their pain as well. So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth, I must find a way, To remind her of her wonderous worth.  She needs to be honored and remembered too. Just as the children of earth will do. Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best. I have done all I can do, To you I'll leave the rest. Find a way to tell her, How much she means to me Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.  ~Jody Seilheimer~