PAIL & Infertility Playlist # 1

I think it is time for me to share with you a list of songs (in alphabetical order) that have helped me with grief of losing Micah, Alison, Heidi and Noah and those I will never be able to have.  This will be a long list and I will make more lists in the future.

Please note that these songs represent the entire spectrum in the grieving process.  There are songs that come from deep, dark, agonizing places.  Some songs create healing.  There are songs that bring hope that things will get better.  There are songs that just let your child(ren) know you love and miss him/her/them.  There are songs that talk about faith in God and His plan.  There are also songs for those who are farther along in the journey who are living in brighter days.  There is a wide range of thoughts, feelings and emotions that can come from these songs.  If you are unable to listen to a song on this list because you aren't at that point yet or you are having a bad moment, THAT IS ALRIGHT!!! PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME AND KNOW IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK!!!  You will get through this!!!!


#'s



A
A Heartbeat Away by Jenny Jordan Frogley
All Too Well (the miscarriage song) by singlemotherhoodbychoice (YouTube)
Always There by Troy Allison
Amazing by Janelle
A Mother's Prayer by Celine Dion
Angel by Beverly Mitchell
Answer by Sarah McLachlan
As I lay Me Down To Sleep by Sophie B. Hawkins
A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlson

B
Baby Mine by Allison Krauss
Be Still and Know by Steven Curtis Chapman
Blessings by Laura Story


C
Calling All Angels by Train
Christmas In Heaven by Maribeth Johnson
Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing


D
Dear Jessie by Madona


E
Eternity by Maren Ord
Everyday by Maren Ord


F
Fly by Celine Dion
From Where You Are by Lifehouse
Fix You by Coldplay


G
Glory Baby by Watermark
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) by The Dixie Chicks
Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
Go With God And Live by The Goodman Family
Grace by Kate Havnevik


H
Hands To Heaven by Breathe
Hard To Say Goodbye by John Truscelli
Heaven Got Another Angel by Gordon True
He Hears Me by Hilary Weeks
Held by Natalie Grant
He'll Carry You by Hilary Weeks
Hello, Goodbye by Michael W Smith
Holding Onto Love by Elizabeth South
Hold On, The Light Will Come by Michael Mclean
Hug Him Once For Me by Erica McClure


I
I Believe by Diamond Rio
I Miss You by Lifehouse
I Still Cry by Julie Miller
I Sure Miss You by The Crabb Family
It Might Be Hope for Primary Children's Hospital in Utah
I Will Not Say Goodbye by Danny Gokey
I Will Carry You by Selah
I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey (Beware that the music video showcases families that have successful pregnancies after infertility struggles and Loss, but the song is powerful)



J
Jealous of the Angels by Jenn Bostic
Just Let Me Cry by Hilary Weeks


K



L
Last Lullaby by Itty Bitty Beasts
Let Them Be Little by Billy Dean
Letters From Heaven by Tim Shelter
Live and Breathe form the movie The 5th Quarter
Lullaby by Billy Joel


M
Made For Haven by Andrea Genevieve
My Immortal by Evansence
My Name by George Canyon



N



O
One Moment More by Mindy Smith
One More Day by Lonestar


P
Perfect Way To Start by Craig Aven
Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good


Q



R
Remember by The Goodman Family
Remembering You by Steven Curtis Chapman
Remember Me This Way by Jordan Hill


S
Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift
Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye by Beth Nielsen Chapman
Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
Small Bump by Ed Sheeran
Smallest, Wingless by Craig Cardiff
So Close by Jon Mclaughlin
Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World by Isreal Kamakawiwoole
Stay With Me by Michael McLean
Still by Gerrit Hofsink
Storm by Lifehouse
Storm Before the Calm by Stephanie Boyd


T
Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey
Ten by Yellowcard
The Call by Regina Spektor
There You'll Be by Faith Hill
This Lullaby by Wanda Lindstrom
Tiny Hands by Kenneth Cope
To Where You Are by Josh Groban

U
Until Heaven by Sarah Ann Bertola


V
Visitor From Heaven by Maribeth Johnson



W
Waiting by Maren Ord
When Angels Cry by Janis Ian
Wish I Knew (An Angel Christmas Song) Lisa Whitters
With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman


X



Y
You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins
You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban
You're Not Alone by Michael McLean


Z

I'M SOOOOO SORRY FUTURE FOSTER CHILD!!!!!

The last few days, I've been thinking about our future foster kids.  My heart breaks for them!!!!  I am devastated to know that they are going to be neglected, abused and unloved before they get to our home.  They are going to have to survive a living hell before making it to the refuge of our arms.  

I'm also feeling a bit guilty too.  When you have been WANTING, WAITING, PRAYING, LONGING and ACHING to be a mother for as long as I have (over 30 years), you will gladly take any kid that come into your arms.  You will accept them in any way and in any situation.  You JUST WANT TO HOLD A CHILD!!!!!  I WANTED children to come to me the normal, happy way.  Where everything goes great (except for severe morning sickness) for 9 months, I spend a few hours in labor and get a beautiful bundle of joy at the end.  I have a happy family.  Tragically, it didn't turn out that way for us.

Most couples next option is infertility treatments.  I can't get my kids through that way either.  I have a severe deformity of my uterus that will not allow enough blood supply to the baby beyond 23 weeks (in case you are wondering about Little Man, his heart actually stopped beating at 22weeks5days. He just wasn't 'born' until his 24week mark).  There is nothing I can do to get my body to be able to carry a baby to a survivable gestational age.  Since there is no hope for me to carry a baby that can survive, Bear and I are not going to even try.  I know there are other fertility options that don't involve ME carrying the baby but Bear and I are not open to those choices  (a HUGE YIPPEE to those who do those options though).

The next option is adoption.  Yes, Bear and I would LOVE to adopt children and be able to keep them forever and never have to worry about saying goodbye (we have already said goodbye to 4 children, isn't that enough????!!!!).  Unfortunately our finances will not accommodate the $20,000 it may take to get a child.  It's so heartbreaking to see so many children that are waiting for homes but it just costs too much to get them.  So as of now, our only option to get kids into our heart, lives, home and arms, is through foster care. 

 I'M SOOOOOO SORRY FUTURE FOSTER CHILD!!!!!!!  I'M SO SORRY that your life has been filled with trauma, neglect and abuse!!!!  I'M SO SORRY that you have to be taken away from your family and home.  I'm SO SORRY that even though your life was in shambles, it's the only thing you know.  I'M SO SORRY that you feel completely lost and alone.  I'M SO SORRY that you are terrified. I'M SO SORRY that you don't know who you can trust.  I'M SO SORRY that you don't know where to find love, or even what love is.  I'M SO SORRY for so many things, BUT the thing I am MOST sorry about is that you have to live though all of this, just so I can have what I have always wanted... YOU!!!  

They Grow In Our Hearts

So why did I name this blog They Grow In Our Hearts?????  Why don't you read a little bit about my story and I think you will find out (I'll give my reason at the end).  My name is Jewel.  My husband, Bear, and I have been married for almost 4 1/2 years.  We met on a dating site and married exactly 6  month later.  I'm from the west coast and Bear is from the mid-west.  I moved to the mid-west when we got married and I have loved every moment living here.  

Bear and I are parents to 4 children that live in our hearts but not in our arms.  Our oldest is Little Man who was born-still at 24weeks in February 2014.  Our daughter, Rain is next.  I miscarried her at 6weeks in May 2014 (exactly 3 1/2 months after Little Man was born-still).  We then lost twins, Monkey and Cub, in August 2015  at 8weeks.  Bear and I love, think about and miss our 4 Angels every moment of every day.  Even though they were in our lives for only a moment, they have changed them forever.

Bear and I have both been wanting to be parents since we were about 4 years old.  I remember all through my childhood, being a mother was ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE!!!!  I never really wanted to go to collage (beyond an Associates Degree).  I never wanted a career.  I just wanted to be a Stay-At-Home Mom!!!!!  My favorite toys growing up were dolls.  I had well over 100 dolls throughout my childhood.  I played with them every moment of my spare time.  I also probably played with them for a much longer time period then other girls.  I also babysat several days a weeks for many years.  I was known at my church as The Babysitter.  I dreamed about, thought about, longed for, wished for, prepared for,  prayed for and ACHED to be a mother.  

Losing our 4 children was devastating.  We wanted them more then anything.  Our lives, hearts and arms felt so empty.  After we lost the twins, we finally found out the reason we lost them.  That knowledge though, brought on even more pain, because with that diagnosis, we found out that my body would never be able to carry a child to a viable age.  Kendall and I will never be able to see our life long dream of becoming biological parents come true.  Our hearts are devastated that we will never be able to have the children we dreamed of having.

Which brings us to fostering (and hopefully adoption in the near future)!!!!  After 3 years of losing Little Man, Bear and I are both in a place in our healing to grow our family in other ways.  We have a desire to help and love other children and families.  We believe fostering and adoption will further heal our empty arms and hearts.  We are both SO EXCITED to be getting ready to have children in our home (and lives).  I know fostering will be really hard.  It will be heartbreaking to let these children go.  I know though, that there will be INNUMERABLE blessings that come from helping these children.  

Back to my original question, why did I name this blog They Grow In Our Hearts????  Well, we have 4 children that grew in my body but never made it to grow in our arms.  We have biological children that we still want to have but will never grow in my body or grow in our arms.  Now we will have children in our lives that did not grow in my body but will grow in our arms.  No matter how these children are in our lives, whether through pregnancy loss, aching for children that will never come or through fostering and adoption, THEY ALL GROW IN OUR HEARTS!!!!! 

January 17th 2014, 2015 and 2017

My heart is so full right now!!! Yesterday my husband and I went to our first foster parenting class.  I can't put into words how happy and full my heart and spirit felt.  It was as if I had just found out I was pregnant again.


I was a bit apprehensive about the day.  Yesterday was the 3rd Anniversary that I found out my first baby was going to be a boy.  I was SO HAPPY that day!!!!  I always dreamed that my first baby was going to be a boy.  I always pictured my family would have a big brother.  Little Man was SOOOO ADORABLE in his ultrasound session that day.  I treasured every moment and every picture I got with him.  I never would have guessed in my wildest nightmares, that I would lose him just 3 weeks later at 24weeks.


Yesterday was also the 2nd Anniversary due date of Rain.  Rain is our 2nd baby.  I became pregnant with her just 3 months after losing Little Man.  I was once again SOOOO HAPPY when I found out about her.  It was Mother's Day, May 11th 2014.  My husband and I had spent the 3 months previous walking, stumbling and just standing still  in the dark.  Our lives were in shambles after losing Little Man.  Finding out we were pregnant with  Rain brought light, hope, peace, beauty and promise back into our lives.  Our lives went back in the dark just 10 days later when I miscarried her at 6weeks.  She should have been born on January 17th 2015.

I remember 2 years ago.  My cousin, who was due 9 days after I was, went into labor early that morning.  Although I was hoping and praying for a happy outcome, I begged and pleaded to God for her NOT to give birth that day.  It was hurting me too much that she was getting to experience something I should have been doing that day.  I should have been having my baby girl that day!!!  I should have been the one SCREAMING in labor pains,  NOT me be the one SCREAMING inside for my lost daughter.  I stocked my cousin's FB page and those of her family trying to find any update on her progress.  I was stressed and an emotional wreck.  I was envious and jealous of her.  I WANTED IT TO ME that had all the attention of the family.  I WANTED IT TO BE ME that was in labor and would get a baby out of the agonizing pain.  I WANTED IT TO BE ME that would finally be able to hold my child.  My cousin had her daughter 7 minutes before midnight on January 17th.

Yesterday should have been Rain's 2nd birthday.  We should have thrown her a party, bought her presents, made a cake.  Instead, I spent time yesterday holding her special stuffed animal and holding the wood box that holds all that we have left of her.


Those 2 anniversaries  just reminds us of the great losses we have endured (along with the loss of twins Monkey and Cub at 8weeks in August 2015).  Those should have been happy occasions but they just bring pain to our hearts and make our arms feel even more empty.  I just hope last nights experience will bring memories of joy, hope, love and fullness to future January 17ths.