Micah was in my dream

During the night I had a dream where I was working as a flight attendant. Micah was with me on this trip. We were going to have a mini vacation where the plane was heading. Micah was about 10-12 years old. He still had his beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes and he was so handsome.

After the plane landed, all the passengers were off and I was finished with my duties, I went to the place where Micah was supposed to have been. He ended up not being there. I looked everywhere for him, shouting his name doing everything I could to find him. He ended up being kidnapped by someone and I never found him.

I was devastated all over again. I was SOOOO HAPPY to have Micah in my dream. I was SOOOO EXCITED that we were going to do something fun together. That we were going to make a memory, something we couldn't do in real life. It all shattered when I ended up losing him in the dream too. How come even in my dreams I can't keep him???? ITS NOT FAIR!!!

I Just Wish I Could Feel Better!!!!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY these past 2 weeks have been SOOOO HARD emotionally for me??!!!   I haven't been this bad and for this long in THREE YEARS!!!  Like I said in my last post, I was really struggling emotionally since the day after my nephews were born.  I was SO HAPPY for them up until that point.  I was hoping that my feelings would get better after just a few days, but here it is over 10 days later and I still feel the same.  Just thinking about my nephews or hearing someone talk (gush) about them just is another stab in the heart.  I feel like someone is squeezing my lungs and it's hard to breathe.  I feel a heavy weight on me and it's hard to focus on anything.  I feel so empty and my arms are hurting SO MUCH to hold our kids.   

It hurts so much to be on FB anymore.  There are way too many pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and pictures of babies for me right now.   Today marks 3&1/2 years since I lost Micah.  On Wednesday, it will be 2 years since I lost Monkey and Cub.  I KNOW no one else will remember Wednesday, except maybe Star.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HURTING SO MUCH!!!!  I WISH I WOULD JUST FEEL BETTER!!!!  More then anything though, I WISH I COULD HAVE LITTLE MAN, RAIN, MONKEY & CUB BACK!!!!