My self hatred and letting it go

Last night marked 3 years since I last felt Little Man move.  Bear, my sister Hoodie and I had been out all day looking at things we would need for Little Man's arrival.  I was 22weeks5days and we still hadn't gotten anything.  We looked at cribs, car seats, strollers, etc (we didn't buy anything).  It was 6:30 p.m. and we were enjoying the furniture section of the final store.  We were quietly talking amongst each other when I felt one tiny kick from Little Man.

When I felt him kick, I was hyper-aware of every move he made for the rest of the night.  I wanted Hoddie to feel him kick for the first time.  I silently begged him to move harder and for his movements to last longer.  I didn't feel him move for the rest of the shopping trip.  Nor did I feel him move on the hour long drive home.

I was anxious to get home that night because Little Man always moved around the most as I got ready for bed.  I begged him once again to move, kick, roll, ANYTHING to let me know he was ok.  I went to bed with silent tears because I STILL hadn't felt him move.  I laid in bed for what seemed like hours KNOWING something was wrong before falling asleep.

Early the next morning I got up with Bear and got him ready for work.  I still hadn't felt Little Man move and still had an overwhelming feeling something was wrong.  My Mother-Heart was SCREAMING at me "Something is wrong with Little Man! DO SOMETHING!! Something is wrong with Little Man!!! PLEASE DO SOMETHING!!!!".  I immediately got on the phone with my midwife and told her what was going on.  She told me "babies at this stage can go days without you feeling them move.  Everything is fine."    I still felt wrong.

I called my Mom and asked her what I should do (since she would be more of an expert than I was).  She told me basically the same thing that my mid-wife did... "everything is fine. QUITE WORRYING".  I still felt wrong.  My Mother-Heart was SCREAMING even louder and with more urgency.  I spent the rest of the day in tears, begging for Little Man to move.  Praying to God that everything would be ok.  I called my mid-wife and mom back.  They told me the same thing as before.  I spent days in a complete panic, KNOWING something was wrong, but with too many people (other people besides my mid-wife and mom also told me not to worry, that it was normal).

I became completely convinced that something was wrong when I was able to eat apple pie on Bear's birthday the next day.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE apple pie, unfortunately apples were the first (of MANY) things Little Man let me know he did not like (starting at less than 6weeks).  The sight, smell, taste or thought of anything apple had me begging to throw-up.  My in-laws came over for Bear's birthday and brought an apple pie (we are not much into cakes but we LOVE pie).  I saw the pie and was able to eat it and felt fine.  I din't have any of the nauseated feeling I had had for the past 18 weeks.  That was the last straw!!!!  I called my mid-wife the next morning and demanded that she see me.  She said she couldn't see me because it was the weekend but I could come in first thing Monday morning and she was check me out.

I can think of a hundred excuses on why I didn't go to the ER that first night or early the next morning.  They all seemed legitimate at the time.  I wished I would have known back then what my life is like right now because I ignored what I KNEW to be true.  I changed so many lives forever because I didn't go in when I KNEW something was wrong.  I don't know if I would have saved him if I had gone in.  I don't know if he would have been born alive, if he would have ever made it out of NICU.  If he did make it out of NICU, I don't know how his quality of life would have been (personally I wouldn't care, I would have taken him in any way he came).  I just don't know what would've happened.

All I DO know is if that if I would've gone right in, I would have the knowledge that I did my utmost best for Little Man as a mother.  I wouldn't have so much guilt for failing Little Man and so many other people.  I wouldn't have been calling myself a murderer for so long.  I wouldn't believe I was the worse mother in the world and that I didn't deserve a child.

Over the years I have come to an understanding that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT (or anyone else's).  That there was NOTHING I could have done to have saved him.  I know now that I LOVE my son  and that I was THE BEST mom to him.  NO ONE LOVED HIM MORE!!!!!    NO ONE could have been a better mother to him than I was.  NO ONE would have gotten a different outcome than I did.

IT...JUST...HAPPENED!!!!!! It wasn't anybody's fault.  Nothing would have made him stay.  I bet if I were able to spend time with Little Man right now, he wouldn't blame me for a moment.  He would run to me, give me a huge hug, tell me that he loves me and thank-me for the love I gave him.    

I'M SOOOOO SORRY FUTURE FOSTER CHILD!!!!!

The last few days, I've been thinking about our future foster kids.  My heart breaks for them!!!!  I am devastated to know that they are going to be neglected, abused and unloved before they get to our home.  They are going to have to survive a living hell before making it to the refuge of our arms.  

I'm also feeling a bit guilty too.  When you have been WANTING, WAITING, PRAYING, LONGING and ACHING to be a mother for as long as I have (over 30 years), you will gladly take any kid that come into your arms.  You will accept them in any way and in any situation.  You JUST WANT TO HOLD A CHILD!!!!!  I WANTED children to come to me the normal, happy way.  Where everything goes great (except for severe morning sickness) for 9 months, I spend a few hours in labor and get a beautiful bundle of joy at the end.  I have a happy family.  Tragically, it didn't turn out that way for us.

Most couples next option is infertility treatments.  I can't get my kids through that way either.  I have a severe deformity of my uterus that will not allow enough blood supply to the baby beyond 23 weeks (in case you are wondering about Little Man, his heart actually stopped beating at 22weeks5days. He just wasn't 'born' until his 24week mark).  There is nothing I can do to get my body to be able to carry a baby to a survivable gestational age.  Since there is no hope for me to carry a baby that can survive, Bear and I are not going to even try.  I know there are other fertility options that don't involve ME carrying the baby but Bear and I are not open to those choices  (a HUGE YIPPEE to those who do those options though).

The next option is adoption.  Yes, Bear and I would LOVE to adopt children and be able to keep them forever and never have to worry about saying goodbye (we have already said goodbye to 4 children, isn't that enough????!!!!).  Unfortunately our finances will not accommodate the $20,000 it may take to get a child.  It's so heartbreaking to see so many children that are waiting for homes but it just costs too much to get them.  So as of now, our only option to get kids into our heart, lives, home and arms, is through foster care. 

 I'M SOOOOOO SORRY FUTURE FOSTER CHILD!!!!!!!  I'M SO SORRY that your life has been filled with trauma, neglect and abuse!!!!  I'M SO SORRY that you have to be taken away from your family and home.  I'm SO SORRY that even though your life was in shambles, it's the only thing you know.  I'M SO SORRY that you feel completely lost and alone.  I'M SO SORRY that you are terrified. I'M SO SORRY that you don't know who you can trust.  I'M SO SORRY that you don't know where to find love, or even what love is.  I'M SO SORRY for so many things, BUT the thing I am MOST sorry about is that you have to live though all of this, just so I can have what I have always wanted... YOU!!!  

I Would Die For That

As soon as I found I was pregnant with Monkey and Cub, I had a strong feeling I was going to lose them as well (no matter how hard I tried to fight that feeling).  As I was frantic over losing all of my kids, I came across a BEAUTIFUL infertility song on YouTube that describes EXACTLY how I feel.  It is called I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey.  Here are the lyrics (BEWARE: DO NOT view the music video if pregnancies are a trigger for you.  PLEASE DO THOUGH listen to the song)

I WOULD DIE FOR THAT                                                                                                              Jenny was my best friend.

Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

'Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die
I would die for that.

It hurts parents who have lost children or who can't have children when we see others abusing, taking advantage and not appreciating the priceless gift of children they have.  Even simple things like parents being SOOOO EXCITED when their children have their first day back to school from summer or Christmas break.  Us loss/infertility parents would DIE to have a chance to have a child in their lives every moment.  We would hold on to them as tight and as long as we could.  We certainly wouldn't be celebrating being away from them 9 hours a day.  

Not only does Loss/Infertility make a HUGE impact on your emotions, it can do quite a bit of damage on your marriage.  Biblically speaking, marriage is about a man and a woman joining together to have children.  When you can't have children to grow your family, you feel like a failure, especially when it is discovered you are the one that has the problem. No matter what people say or do, there is always a tiny part of you that KNOWS it is your fault (which is a HUGE lie).  

Luckily, all is not completely lost.  If we are able and have an open heart to grow our families in other ways, we do have options.  Just as there are parents who are ACHING to have children, their are children ACHING to have a family through fostering and adoption.  Also there are quite a few fertility options to help us grow our families.    

They Grow In Our Hearts

So why did I name this blog They Grow In Our Hearts?????  Why don't you read a little bit about my story and I think you will find out (I'll give my reason at the end).  My name is Jewel.  My husband, Bear, and I have been married for almost 4 1/2 years.  We met on a dating site and married exactly 6  month later.  I'm from the west coast and Bear is from the mid-west.  I moved to the mid-west when we got married and I have loved every moment living here.  

Bear and I are parents to 4 children that live in our hearts but not in our arms.  Our oldest is Little Man who was born-still at 24weeks in February 2014.  Our daughter, Rain is next.  I miscarried her at 6weeks in May 2014 (exactly 3 1/2 months after Little Man was born-still).  We then lost twins, Monkey and Cub, in August 2015  at 8weeks.  Bear and I love, think about and miss our 4 Angels every moment of every day.  Even though they were in our lives for only a moment, they have changed them forever.

Bear and I have both been wanting to be parents since we were about 4 years old.  I remember all through my childhood, being a mother was ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE!!!!  I never really wanted to go to collage (beyond an Associates Degree).  I never wanted a career.  I just wanted to be a Stay-At-Home Mom!!!!!  My favorite toys growing up were dolls.  I had well over 100 dolls throughout my childhood.  I played with them every moment of my spare time.  I also probably played with them for a much longer time period then other girls.  I also babysat several days a weeks for many years.  I was known at my church as The Babysitter.  I dreamed about, thought about, longed for, wished for, prepared for,  prayed for and ACHED to be a mother.  

Losing our 4 children was devastating.  We wanted them more then anything.  Our lives, hearts and arms felt so empty.  After we lost the twins, we finally found out the reason we lost them.  That knowledge though, brought on even more pain, because with that diagnosis, we found out that my body would never be able to carry a child to a viable age.  Kendall and I will never be able to see our life long dream of becoming biological parents come true.  Our hearts are devastated that we will never be able to have the children we dreamed of having.

Which brings us to fostering (and hopefully adoption in the near future)!!!!  After 3 years of losing Little Man, Bear and I are both in a place in our healing to grow our family in other ways.  We have a desire to help and love other children and families.  We believe fostering and adoption will further heal our empty arms and hearts.  We are both SO EXCITED to be getting ready to have children in our home (and lives).  I know fostering will be really hard.  It will be heartbreaking to let these children go.  I know though, that there will be INNUMERABLE blessings that come from helping these children.  

Back to my original question, why did I name this blog They Grow In Our Hearts????  Well, we have 4 children that grew in my body but never made it to grow in our arms.  We have biological children that we still want to have but will never grow in my body or grow in our arms.  Now we will have children in our lives that did not grow in my body but will grow in our arms.  No matter how these children are in our lives, whether through pregnancy loss, aching for children that will never come or through fostering and adoption, THEY ALL GROW IN OUR HEARTS!!!!! 

January 17th 2014, 2015 and 2017

My heart is so full right now!!! Yesterday my husband and I went to our first foster parenting class.  I can't put into words how happy and full my heart and spirit felt.  It was as if I had just found out I was pregnant again.


I was a bit apprehensive about the day.  Yesterday was the 3rd Anniversary that I found out my first baby was going to be a boy.  I was SO HAPPY that day!!!!  I always dreamed that my first baby was going to be a boy.  I always pictured my family would have a big brother.  Little Man was SOOOO ADORABLE in his ultrasound session that day.  I treasured every moment and every picture I got with him.  I never would have guessed in my wildest nightmares, that I would lose him just 3 weeks later at 24weeks.


Yesterday was also the 2nd Anniversary due date of Rain.  Rain is our 2nd baby.  I became pregnant with her just 3 months after losing Little Man.  I was once again SOOOO HAPPY when I found out about her.  It was Mother's Day, May 11th 2014.  My husband and I had spent the 3 months previous walking, stumbling and just standing still  in the dark.  Our lives were in shambles after losing Little Man.  Finding out we were pregnant with  Rain brought light, hope, peace, beauty and promise back into our lives.  Our lives went back in the dark just 10 days later when I miscarried her at 6weeks.  She should have been born on January 17th 2015.

I remember 2 years ago.  My cousin, who was due 9 days after I was, went into labor early that morning.  Although I was hoping and praying for a happy outcome, I begged and pleaded to God for her NOT to give birth that day.  It was hurting me too much that she was getting to experience something I should have been doing that day.  I should have been having my baby girl that day!!!  I should have been the one SCREAMING in labor pains,  NOT me be the one SCREAMING inside for my lost daughter.  I stocked my cousin's FB page and those of her family trying to find any update on her progress.  I was stressed and an emotional wreck.  I was envious and jealous of her.  I WANTED IT TO ME that had all the attention of the family.  I WANTED IT TO BE ME that was in labor and would get a baby out of the agonizing pain.  I WANTED IT TO BE ME that would finally be able to hold my child.  My cousin had her daughter 7 minutes before midnight on January 17th.

Yesterday should have been Rain's 2nd birthday.  We should have thrown her a party, bought her presents, made a cake.  Instead, I spent time yesterday holding her special stuffed animal and holding the wood box that holds all that we have left of her.


Those 2 anniversaries  just reminds us of the great losses we have endured (along with the loss of twins Monkey and Cub at 8weeks in August 2015).  Those should have been happy occasions but they just bring pain to our hearts and make our arms feel even more empty.  I just hope last nights experience will bring memories of joy, hope, love and fullness to future January 17ths.