Micah was in my dream

During the night I had a dream where I was working as a flight attendant. Micah was with me on this trip. We were going to have a mini vacation where the plane was heading. Micah was about 10-12 years old. He still had his beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes and he was so handsome.

After the plane landed, all the passengers were off and I was finished with my duties, I went to the place where Micah was supposed to have been. He ended up not being there. I looked everywhere for him, shouting his name doing everything I could to find him. He ended up being kidnapped by someone and I never found him.

I was devastated all over again. I was SOOOO HAPPY to have Micah in my dream. I was SOOOO EXCITED that we were going to do something fun together. That we were going to make a memory, something we couldn't do in real life. It all shattered when I ended up losing him in the dream too. How come even in my dreams I can't keep him???? ITS NOT FAIR!!!

I Just Wish I Could Feel Better!!!!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY these past 2 weeks have been SOOOO HARD emotionally for me??!!!   I haven't been this bad and for this long in THREE YEARS!!!  Like I said in my last post, I was really struggling emotionally since the day after my nephews were born.  I was SO HAPPY for them up until that point.  I was hoping that my feelings would get better after just a few days, but here it is over 10 days later and I still feel the same.  Just thinking about my nephews or hearing someone talk (gush) about them just is another stab in the heart.  I feel like someone is squeezing my lungs and it's hard to breathe.  I feel a heavy weight on me and it's hard to focus on anything.  I feel so empty and my arms are hurting SO MUCH to hold our kids.   

It hurts so much to be on FB anymore.  There are way too many pregnancy announcements, birth announcements and pictures of babies for me right now.   Today marks 3&1/2 years since I lost Micah.  On Wednesday, it will be 2 years since I lost Monkey and Cub.  I KNOW no one else will remember Wednesday, except maybe Star.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HURTING SO MUCH!!!!  I WISH I WOULD JUST FEEL BETTER!!!!  More then anything though, I WISH I COULD HAVE LITTLE MAN, RAIN, MONKEY & CUB BACK!!!!

My 2 Day Old Nephews (TRIGGER)

My sister-in-law had twin boys yesterday. All during her pregnancy I was so happy for her (she has had 3 losses herself). I was over the moon happy yesterday after they were born. I was beyond in love with them when i visited and held them yesterday. My arms felt full for the first time since I held my son who was stillborn. My husband was glowing and couldn't bear to let them go. He kept calling them his babies and was definitely one proud uncle. He would have made such a great dad to our 4 Angles.

I went to see them again today. I was perfectly fine and was excited to see them. All of the sudden about 5 minutes away from the hospital, an overwhelming sadness came over me and I just thought I can't do this. I began to tear up and think I can't see them. I went anyways and I ending up holding one of the twins for over an hour. I had so many mixed emotions as I was holding my nephew. I loved and yet I resented being able to hold him. I was teary eyed for about 10 minutes. I'm teary eyed again as I write this.

I don't understand how I was so happy, excited and thrilled one moment and the very next just want to hide and sob. I don't understand why my nephews were so therapeutic and soothed my empty arms yesterday but today no matter how long I held them, they didn't help.

These the first surviving grandchildren on my husbands side so everyone is SUPER EXCITED!!! Everyone is giving their congrats to my SIL, her husband and my in-laws. They are making a huge deal about them being the first. Right now I want to scream what about my 4 children. What about the 3 my SIL lost???

And it makes me so angry at myself to have these feelings.

A LONG 2 MONTHS!!!!

It was 2 months ago today that Bear asked me to pick him up from work at 11:30 and let me know he had been fired.  Long story short, it was not Bear's fault.  His boss just had unrealistic goals and time lines for projects.  With each day, I felt like I was drowning.  The stress and worry about what we were going to do and where we were going was oppressive.  The constant stress and worry made Bears depression sky rocket.  It was just as bad as it was after we lost Little Man and Rain and then again when we lost Monkey and Cub. We didn't sleep!  I can count on one hand how many times we got to bed before 4AM (if we went to bed at all).  Bear slept on the couch every night.  He didn't think he was good or worthy enough to sleep in our bed.  I could go on and on about how this was just another of the many hells we have lived through since we got married almost 5 years ago.

Yesterday, we finally found solid ground again.  We moved in with my in-laws and even in just the few hours we've been here, I have peace once more.  The closer I got to my in-laws place, the more relief I felt and I couldn't get here fast enough.  I LOVE my in-laws. I LOVE the feelings that are in their home.  They, and their home are a refuge from the storms life throws my way.  I am so blessed to have them in my life and that we have this safe place to rest until we can get back on our feet.  

As I look back on these past 2 months, it caused me to see a little bit of the good at not having living children OR that I ended up not having the surgery.  Having a larger family or having to pay for the surgery would have put much more stress on Bears and his depression much worse.  Not having living children made moving much faster and easier.  We didn't have to pack anything extra that we didn't need.  Being just the 2 of us made it much easier for my in-laws to accommodate our extended stay.  Also, when we get back on our feet, it will be easier for us to go when and where we have or want to go.  

Having no living children also allowed us to focus on and spend time with just each other.  We became closer as a couple and strengthened who we are individually and who we are together.  I'm blessed to have Bear as my partner.   

Foster & Adoption Playlist #2

Here is another Foster & Adoption playlist.  The fist one was published on 2/12/16.  ENJOY!!!!


#'s


A
A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion
Answer by Sarah McLachlan
Arms by Christina Perri



B
Blown Away by Carrie Underwood
Broken by David Archuleta


C
Child Of My Heart by Becky Wright
Confessions of a Broken Heart by Lindsay Lohan


D
Do You Love Me As Your Own by Janice Kapp Perry


E
Everybody Hurts by David Archuleta


F
Forevermore by David Archuleta


G



H
Harbor by Vienna Teng


I
I Get To Love You by Ruelle
I'll Never Go by David Archuleta
I'll Never Let You Down by Colbie Caillat
It Might Be Hope for Primary Children's Hospital in Utah


J



K



L
Lights Will Guide You Home by Coldplay


M
Mean by Taylor Swift


N



O



P



Q



R



S
Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara
Superman (It's Not Easy) by Five for Fighting

T
Take Me, I'll Follow You by Bobby Caldwell
This Time Tomorrow by Trent Debbs
There's A Place For Us by Carrie Underwood
To Be With You by David Archuleta


U



V



W
Waiting For My Real Life To Begin by Colin Hay
When I Find You, I'll Find Me by Joshua Radin


X



Y



Z

PAIL PLAYLIST #2

Here is the long awaited PAIL PLAYLIST #2.  The first playlist is dated 2/13/17.


Please note that these songs represent the entire spectrum in the grieving process.  There are songs that come from deep, dark, agonizing places.  Some songs create healing.  There are songs that bring hope that things will get better.  There are songs that just let your child(ren) know you love and miss him/her/them.  There are songs that strengthen faith in God and His plan.  There are also songs for those who are farther along in the journey who are living in brighter days.  There is a wide range of thoughts, feelings and emotions that can come from these songs.  If you are unable to listen to a song on this list because you aren't at that point yet or you are having a bad moment, THAT IS ALRIGHT!!! PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME AND KNOW IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK!!!  You will get through this!!!!


#'s



A
All The Kings Horses by Karmina
A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion



B
Baby Blue by George Strait
Better Place by Rachel Platten
Break by Rebecca Roubion & Jake Etheridge



C



D




E
Everybody Hurts by David Archuleta
Everything Changes by Sara Bareilles


F




G




H
Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie


I
I Can't Breathe by Bea Miller
If I Needed You by Joey+Rory
If You Can See Me Now by Jeff Bates
I Get To Love You by Ruelle
Inner Demons by Julia Brennan


J
Joey's Song by Joey Martin Freek
Just Another Tragic Story by 5Bugs



K



L




M


N
Not A Day Goes By by Lonestar
Not Right Now by Jason Gray


O
Our God Is In Control by Steven Curtis Chapman


P



Q



R




S
See You There by Joey Freek
Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood
Strong Enough To Cry by Joey Martin

T
This Lullaby by Wanda Lindstrom
The Other Side Of Night by Lyndsay Taylor
There You'll Be by Faith Hill
To Say Goodbye by Joey+Rory


U




V
Volcano by Emily Hearn



W
Wait by David Archuleta
When Faith Runs Deep by Lyndsay Taylor
When I'm Gone by Joey+Rory
Worlds Apart by Joshua Radin


X



Y
You Are The Reason by Calum Scott
You Don't Know by Katelyn Tarver
You'll Be There by Cory Mayo
You Will Be Found from Dear Evan Hansen


Z

2 Years Ago & Today

2 years a go today, I made this announcement on Facebook:    I'M PREGNANT!!!! Bear and I found out on Wednesday but we wanted to make sure things were going OK so far before sharing it with others. Things are looking OK so far but my doctor wants me to get an ultrasound in about 2 weeks. I am 5 weeks today and due March 21, 2016.

It's been 17 months since we lost Little Man and 14 months since we lost Rain. We are both beyond ecstatic to have another opportunity to be parents and hopefully we will have a take home baby this time.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and virtual hugs you have given us over the years. SURE LOVE AND MISS YOU ALL!!!

I received 19 comments ranging from CONGRATULATIONS to I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.  60 other people gave me a thumbs up for the happy news.  

Today I reposted that message AND added this:  Tragically I would lose this pregnancy 20 days later (this time with twins). I LOVE AND MISS YOU LITTLE MAN, RAIN, MONKEY & CUB!!! OUR LOVE WILL FIND YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE (ESPECIALLY IN HEAVEN)!!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE RESPONSE I GOT FOR TODAYS POST??????  ONE SINGLE CRYING FACE (and that was from my Father-In-Law).  I haven't gotten a single comment or any other reaction!!!!!  Sure when I have happy news, everyone comes running but when I mention my DEAD CHILDREN, NOTHING!!!!  I wonder what reaction I will get on August 9th for Monkey and Cubs' 2nd Angelversary  and on August 19th for Day of Hope???

It just hurts beyond words when your Lost child(ren) get overlooked, ignored and forgotten!!!!    

Tate

Today I was planning on being sad!!!  Today was the day I was going to have surgery to fix my septate uterus but life got in the way and chased away any hope of it ever happening.  I was planning on being down in the dumps, so focused on what I wanted above everything for my entire life and not being able to have it.  Instead I got to reconnect with a very dear cousin and help her feel better about her own Losses.

My cousin, Tate, had a difficult life.  She had a younger sister (just 11 months younger then her) who had SEVERE mental and physical disabilities that needed 24 hour care.  Tate was lost with everyones focus on her little sister.  She had a hard time coping and developed unique quirks that kept her isolated from those around her.  I visited Tate and my other extended family every summer until I had to stop to take care of my elderly grandparents and then I got married.  I lost track of her and many of my extended family over the years, but today I was able to reconnect with Tate and had the most wonderful discussion.  I felt bad for Tate and her family when I heard that her sister passed away last year.

One year ago today, she lost her 3 month-old daughter Flutterbye due to a chromosome abnormality.  Tate had her FB wall blasted with pictures and messages of Flutterby.  Flutterby was BEAUTIFUL!!!  I noticed another cousin posted pictures and a message for Flutterby and tagged Tate  I immediately commented on the post and sent her a friend request.   Tate accepted the friend request and then send me a message that she was so happy to get my request.  She has been wanting to befriend me for a long time but she was afraid that I wouldn't remember her (so funny because I was afraid she wouldn't remember me).  We spent the next hour talking about our Angels (besides Flutterby, she has had 2 miscarriages) and how much we love and miss them.  We talked about things that only other Loss parents would understand.

We also talked about how our husbands have handled the Losses.  We agreed that Loss Daddies are DEFINITELY more forgotten then Loss  Mamas.  They lost their children too, but because society forces them to act tough , they can't show the hurt, anger, sadness etc.  I suggested to Tate to get stuffed animals for her babies so her husband and her can cuddle them when they need to feel their children close.  She told me she snuggles with the blanket Flutterby had at the hospital when she is sad.

Tate had to get off and get dinner for her husband then, but she promises to keep in contact.  I sure hope so.  It was so wonderful talking with her!!!  It was exactly what we BOTH needed for today.  We both needed someone to talk to who understood about losing children and not having any living ones in our arms.  We both needed someone who we already had a bond with but didn't know our past histories.  Someone we could start fresh with and someone we didn't have to pretend or hide for.

My thoughts, prayers and hugs go out to my dear cousin, her husband, her 3 Angels and her Angel sister.

Letting Go

In a few weeks, my husband and I are moving for the 7th time in just under 5 years (my husband has a very transient job). Through all of the past moves, we both have kept many keepsakes that we saved to pass down to our future children. We kept old childhood books and toys, random pictures of us as kids and since we've been together, items that we got from our parents and grandparents. I also had baby stuff I got for my pregnancy with Little Man before I lost him at 24weeks, that I kept hoping there would be other babies I would finally be able to use them for. Sadly, I just lost 3 more babies.

As we are packing up to move this time, we realize that there is no reason to keep all of these things. We don't have any children to pass them down too and we never will. It will just cost a lot of money and time to pack these items one more time when we know there is now no reason. We told our family that they can have what they want and the rest will be giving to Goodwill or the dumpster. We are defiantly keeping the 3 boxes full of the keepsakes of our 4 Angels. Other then that we are down to just keeping a washer and dryer, a bed frame, a rug, a chair, a few wall hangings and a few boxes of clothes and a few nic-nacs.

It has been so hard for me to let the other items go. I had dreams of passing them down and telling my children the stories and memories of the items. These items gave me hope that one day I would be a Mommy and have my life-long dream in my arms. Letting these items go and giving them away is a physical act of showing that I am giving up on ever having children. It just makes the ache in my empty arms a bit stronger right now.

I'm trying really hard to focus on the good things of us not having living children, all the things we will never have to worry about and how free my husband and I can be, especially with his job. Deep inside though, a voice keeps reminding me I would give anythings to have a reason to have those worries.

My Decision

It is with broken heart that I write about my decision that I will no longer pursue getting my septate uterus fixed.  I can't believe I am letting go of the ONLY way I will be able to have biological children.  I have been wanting, waiting and aching to hold my own child for DECADES and this surgery is my one chance.  But alas, Bear lost his job and our insurance and I will be too old if he ever got major insurance again.  Having children has literally been my life long dream.  That is all I have ever wanted.  

That is not possible anymore, so I have to accept it.  I must find new dreams, a new purpose.  I must come to realize that being a mother is not the only thing in life, that there are other important things I should be doing with my life.  Being a mother does not define who I am.  Besides, being a woman I was inateley created to nurture, care for and love all those around me, biologically related to me or not.  There are many things I can do to fulfill my nurturing needs and do good in this life.  These will be my new dreams, my new wishes, my new purpose, my new direction in life.  

I know there will be hard moments where I will be devastated, sad, lonely and even mad as I transition from one life long dream to another.  It won't be easy to give up the first life and it won't be easy to accept the new one.  I just have to true to who I really am and what really defines me.  

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!!

Father's Day is in a few hours and my heart breaks for my husband for the 4th year in a row. Our oldest should have turned 3, 2 weeks ago and we should have a 2 year old and 1 year old twins. I KNOW his heart is as broken as mine and his arms are as empty as mine. He wanted and loved our 4 children beyond words. He spent 2&1/2 years in depression because he missed our kids so much.

He has been much better this year and is much happier (until he lost his job a few weeks a go). I on the other hand am so focused on the kids we lost and the kids we will never have. I feel so bad because it is making him feel like he isn't enough for me. Like I only want him so he can give me kids. Its not true but it's so hard to let the thought of kids go, especially since all I have ever wanted was to be a Mommy since I was 4.

WHY ISN'T HE ENOUGH FOR ME???? WHY DO ALL I WANT IS KIDS WHEN I HAVE AN AMAZING HUSBAND RIGHT BY MY SIDE???? HOW CAN I GET RID OF THE ACHING IN MY ARMS AND HEART AND JUST BE HAPPY WITH HIM???? IT'S NOT FAIR TO ME AND IT DEFINITELY IS NOT FAIR TO MY HUSBAND!!!

Surgery is probably postponed

My surgery may need to be postponed for awhile.  Bear lost his job yesterday and we lost our insurance.  I may have to wait until Bear gets a new job and save up some more money before I can get it done.  NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!

I'll update as soon as I know what will happen.

Rain's 3rd Angelversary

3 years ago today, Bear and I became the parents of 2 Angles with the loss of a our beautiful daughter, Rain.  Bear and I only knew about her coming for 10 days before she left, but our lives are blessed because we had and continue to have her in our lives and in our hearts.  She brought and continues to bring the light, beauty, hope, peace and promise into our lives that we needed after we lost Micah.  I nicknamed her Rain because she was to be our Rainbow Baby. 

No words can describe how dark our lives were the 3 months before Rain came.  There was nothing but tears, storms, confusion, unrelenting grief, cold, loneliness, numbness...  All we wanted was to have Little Man with us again but there was nothing we could do.  We had to find a way to continue to live without our son.

A glimmer of light, beauty, hope, peace and promise broke through the storm clouds when I found out I was expecting again.  It was Mother's Day and Bear and I were on a mini vacation to get me out of town on that unimaginably difficult day.  I had been feeling off for a few days so I decided to take a test in the early morning on Mother's Day (May 11, 2014).  I woke Bear up so we would be together no matter what the outcome was.  It was positive!!!  Just as there are no words to describe what losing Little Man was like, there are no words to describe what having Rain come is like either.  We both were so happy, thankful and able to live again.  I spent days on cloud 9 again.  The future was bright and happy again.  

I thought for sure we would be able to keep her this time.  I didn't think God would take BOTH our babies away from us, especially since He knew how much we BOTH wanted and needed her.  Tragically, I was wrong.  I must have took at least 10 tests to make sure she was staying this time.  With each test I would check to see how much darker the line  would be.  I would compare them to past tests but I panicked when the lines weren't getting darker.  Towards the end, the lines got fainter.  Inside, I was begging to God to PLEASE not take her.  PLEASE let me keep her.

On May 19th, I had a vivid dream where we lost our Little Rain.  In the dream, my sister Star and I were walking along a dirt road to the general store/ post office.  I was in a daze and completely numb.  I felt lost and overwhelmed with grief.  It was a struggle just to take each step.  I realized that I had just lost another child.  I had lost Little Man a few months before, just like in real life.  Now I had lost another baby, and I remember thinking that better not become my realty also.  Star and I reach the general store/ post office and we see a tiny white casket sitting on the counter.  We notice the lid of the casket was on crooked and I have an emotional melt down.  I scream asking what was wrong with my baby.  Why wasn't the lid on properly.  I scream for several minutes before Star calms me down enough for her to pull me over to a corner while she checks things out.

As Star walks over to the casket, I pace back and forth in the corner begging God to please let me have my baby back.  I hear Star take a gasp and I run over to see what was wrong.  As I am running, Star is looking down at my daughter and exclaims  "SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL!!!"  I reach the casket and look down and I see the MOST BEAUTIFUL baby, girl, person, human I have ever seen!!!!  I remember thinking I didn't know I could give birth to a literal angel.  

The baby girl is SO BEAUTIFUL!!! She is tiny (probably about the same age as Little Man), but her skin is perfect and rosy.  She is dressed in a beautiful long white lace and eyelet dress that goes to her ankles and has a matching bonnet.  A halo of warm, bright light surrounds her.  I caress her head, her cheeks, her hands, her tiny feet and I am in complete awe of this angelic being who came to earth to be my daughter as I say "My Rain! My Rain! I lost my beautiful Rain!"


When I woke up from that dream, I knew I would indeed lose her too.  I lost her too soon so I don't have anything to 'prove' she existed.  I just remember her as that beautiful angel in my dream.  I know one day I will have her again and will never be separated again.    


         

2 poems for Loss Mothers

Here are 2 poems I have clung too over the past 3 years, ESPECIALLY around Mother's Day



Poem # 1

What Makes a Mother

By Jennifer Wasik

Written with love for all the Mother's missing their babies

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today I asked, “what makes a Mother”? And I know I heard Him say, A Mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? "Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in His voice, "I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and other's for a day And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay." I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath, and cleared His throat, and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing here. If you could see your child smile with other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here!” I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here.” So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay Your babies are here in My home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one. Poem #2 Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven,  and though it must appear A rather strange idea, I see everything from here. I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother as this day for her is hard. There must be some mistake, I thought, every card you can imagine Except I could not find a card,  from a child from heaven.  She still is a mother too, no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands but oh the tears she cried.  I thought that if I wrote youx that you would come to know That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so. She talks with me, and dreams with me. We still share laughter too, Memories our way of speaking now, Would you see what you could do? My mother carries me in her heart, Her tears she hides from sight. She writes poems to honor me, Sometimes far into the night. She plants flowers in my garden, There my living memory dwells. She writes other grieving parents,  Trying to ease their pain as well. So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth, I must find a way, To remind her of her wonderous worth.  She needs to be honored and remembered too. Just as the children of earth will do. Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best. I have done all I can do, To you I'll leave the rest. Find a way to tell her, How much she means to me Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.  ~Jody Seilheimer~

Mother's Day

Well it is that time of the year where there are so many emotions that arise when thinking about mothers, motherhood and what it means.  Mother's Day has always been hard for me.  Growing up, I really didn't have my mom in my life.  She was someone that would come in and out depending on what she could get out off my siblings and I.  She always seemed to be around when it was time for her to get gifts (Easter, Mother's Day, her birthday (Thanksgiving) and Christmas).  The rest of the year she was nowhere to be found until we got older.

My siblings and I were raised by my Dad's parents.  Although I had my Grandma in my life, she was very sick so she was unable to do things with us.  She did A LOT for us but because of her illness, we weren't able to create many memories and form a bond with her outside of the house.  She wasn't able to go to church or school functions, go to the movies, go shopping or much of anything.  It wasn't her fault she was so sick and was unable to do things with us.  It just was hard when other girls would talk about all that they do with their moms and I didn't have anyone to do anything with.

When my Dad remarried when I was almost 13, I thought WONDERFUL, I will now have a mother figure that will do things with me and I finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship.  WRONG!!! WRONG!!! WRONG!!!  My step-mom is anti-social and had no desire or initiative to have any kind of relationship with me or my siblings.  She is isn't mean to us at all.  She just has no desire to get to know us or have a bond with us.

As you can see, my childhood left Mother's Day a day to remind me of a bond I longed to have with someone but never got.  It left my heart aching and jealous of other children who had a strong mother and child relationship.  I saw mothers and children exchanging hugs, kisses and smilies and I would just watch alone and forgotten on the sidelines.

I think because of my lack of a mother bond, I had a hard, deep desire to be a mother myself.  As long as I  can remember, I longed to be a mother.  I played with dolls (NO BARBIES) long after my peers gave them up.  I had great joy in babysitting and spending time with kids younger then me.  I can go on and on about what I did to quiet the pain in my aching arms.  It physically hurt at times to not have a child in my arms.

When I finally got married, my husband and I tried to have a baby right away.  It took us a full year to conceive our first child, Little Man.  My husband and I were SOOOO HAPPY to FINALLY have the opportunity to be parents.  Even though I had really bad morning sickness, I was still so happy that my life-long hope, was happening.

It all came crashing down when I didn't feel Little Man move anymore and we discovered his heart had stopped.  Our world came to an end!!!  Words can not describe how dark our lives and emotions were in the days, weeks and months after.  We couldn't figure out how to live without our Little Man, our boy, our son.  We just wanted him back so all this pain could end.

Mother's Day of 2014 (May 11th) was just 3 months after losing Little Man.  With the big urging of my Mother-In-Law (whom had 19 loses herself) to  my husband to get me out of town that weekend.  I had felt different for the past week and I was late, so on the early morning of Mother's Day, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive.  I WAS GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE TO BE A MOTHER!!!  We called everyone with the great news and our lives was starting to have light again.

Tragically just 9 days later, I begin to miscarry.  I remember running to the bathroom after seeing blood.  I begged my husband to see what color the blood was (I knew dark brown blood was considered to be old blood and not to really worry but I knew bright pink blood was definitely something to worry about) and BEGGED him to not tell me it was bright pink.  It was!!!  I continued to bleed heavily through the night and into the next day and for days later.  I lost our daughter Rain.  The light we had for the past 10 days was gone and was once again replaced with darkness.  This time the darkness was a bit darker because now we had lost 2 children.  Losing Monkey and Cub 15 months later, just adds to the pain.

Mother's Day is now even a deeper reminder of what I have longed to have or have lost.  Mother's Day just continues to hurt  and it probably always will just a bit.  I REALLY hope that next year's and the years to come will have a different story.      

Hard Days

As you all know Mother's Day is tomorrow and I'm dreading it.  With all 4 of my children in heaven, I just know the only ones who will wish me Happy Mother's Day is my sister and my Mom (only AFTER I wish her Happy Mother's Day first).  My husband doesn't seem to have any special plans (but he does like to surprise me so maybe he has something planned).  We usually go out of town for Mother's Day since my first loss 3 years ago (under the urging of his mother who has had over 19 losses) but he is on-call for work and can't leave town.  There is no one to get me a card (I wish they had cards for our situation), a gift or tell me Happy Mother's Day.

The following Sunday (so May 21st) is the 3rd Anniversary of my 2nd loss, Rain.  I found out I was pregnant with her on Mother's Day 2014 and had happiness for 10 short days before I lost her at 6weeks.  I had our stillborn son, Little Man just 3 months before so losing 2 children in exactly 3&1/2 months was devastating.  

May 29th marks the 3rd Anniversary of Little Mans due date.  Little Man was bornstill at 24weeks, 2 days before my 34th birthday.  I had waited for SOOO LONG to be a mother and it all came to an end.  

These days coming up just keep reminding me of all that I have lost and they will go completely unnoticed by everyone but me.  

I'm having the surgery

Last week, Bear and I went to a fertility specialist to see if having the uterine septate surgery would be a good option for me.  The doctor had my past medical records and told me that I am one of the easiest fixes he has ever had.  It will take a simple 30 minute surgery to take out the wall that is causing all my problems.  He is SOOOOO EXCITED to do my surgery.  Most of his patients need a lot more work to get pregnant.  He is so glad he has an easy case in me.

The doctor had surgery on his shoulder a month before so he is unable to do my surgery for another few weeks.  Once he recovers, his nurse will call me to schedule a date and time for mine.  He says recovery from Septate Uterine surgery is quick and easy.  We should be able to start TTC within 6 weeks after surgery.

UPDATE:  The nurse just called me and the surgery is scheduled for Monday, July 10th.  Hopefully by the end of the summer, we can Catch Our Rainbow!!!!

What to do????

I'm sorry I haven't posted in awhile.  I was out of town for 2 weeks and before that, Bear and I had a few life changes.  One of the life changes involved deciding between foster kids OR biological kids.  I do have to confess that in previous posts I said what was wrong with my uterus could not be fixed with surgery.  The truth is, it CAN be fixed with a very simple surgery, but until last week, my husband and I felt the surgery would not be right for us.  We thought it would be too expensive, it might not work and we have a few family traits we didn't want to pass down.  With all this stacked against the surgery, we took it off the table as an impossibility for me.  It felt like there was no hope of having biological children.



With one of the life changes that happened 2 weeks ago, my husband told me that he was ready for me to get my surgery and for us to try for biological children.  He had secretly been saving money for my surgery in case we changed our minds.  I was thrilled to hear this!!!!  I have been waiting for over THREE DECADES to be a mother, to hold MY child in my arms.  It was a COMPLETE DREAM COME TRUE to hear those words coming from my husband.



There is a problem though.  My husband doesn't want to get overwhelmed with having too many children at once so he wants us to focus on just biological children for right now.  I am a bit upset with this news.  This is the 2nd time we have backed out of fostering and I feel like we are letting so many people down.  The agency who have put so much time and effort into Husband and I I'm sure will feel let down.  The children waiting for families who don't care about biology need us.  My heart is breaking thinking about it.  I worry about the surgery not working and I still lose babies.  What happens than?????  We won't get a 3rd chance for fostering.  I just don't know what to do????



Do we choose surgery and biological children OR back to fostering?????

Some fears about fostering #1

This country has an extreme shortage of foster homes that are needed.  There are over 400,000 children that are in foster care every year.  Most children spend 2 years in foster care.   There are not enough homes for these children to go to and those that are fostering, are filled to capacity and are still being called to take more children in.  I have friends that are foster parents.  They currently have an 8 year old adopted son and are the foster parents of a sibling group of 5 (ages 14-14months) for the past 10 months.  In the past, they had up to 9 foster children in their home (even though the limit is 6 children total) because no other foster home in area had room.  I think there is such a shortage of foster homes in this country because society has quite a few fears regarding foster children and fostering in general.  I hope this little post will help overcome some of these fears and will encourage other families to foster.


Since I, myself, am brand new on the fostering journey, I know very little so far and have had no personal experience.  I will make more of these posts every couple of months (and maybe even expand on the fears from this post).


Fear #1  IT WILL BE TOO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO THE CHILD
I (and especially my husband) am afraid of this fear too!!!!  In fact, according to my husband, this is what made him stop the fostering process in the summer of 2016.  At the time, he couldn't think he could fall in love with a child and then have to let go of that child, especially if the child was going back into the environment they had been abused in.  We have already said goodbye to our 4 children, how could we deliberately get into a situation where we would knowingly be saying goodbye to more children that we love????

The best solution to this problem is to STILL LOVE THESE CHILDREN FOR AS LONG AS YOU HAVE THEM FOR!!!!!  These children still NEED to be loved!!!!  Most of them need more love than children in a happy homes.  These children come from extreme abuse and neglect.  They NEED to be in homes that are not only safe, but one where they are surrounded in love.  Treat and love these children as your own.  DO NOT be emotionally distant with these children because you are afraid of the pain when they go.  YES IT WILL HURT!!!!  That pain just means that you loved them and that you were a great parent.


Fear #2  THESE KIDS WILL HAVE MAJOR BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS
NOT TRUE!!!!  Many children who come into care, are children with normal childhood behaviors. They will act like any child raised in a happy home.  They may have delays in physical and cognitive areas, but with time and therapy, they have every opportunity to catch up to their peers.

For children who have gone trough extreme trauma, abuse and neglect, yes there will be behavior issues (who wouldn't have behavior issues if you were for punishment put under scalding water and then have IcyHot put on the burns).  There is special training and much help for these children and the foster homes who are open to having them.  These children need more safety, love and consistency than other children.  DO NOT LET THE FEAR OF WHAT COULD GO WRONG STOP YOU FROM DOING WHAT IS RIGHT!!!!


Fear #3  I'M NOT QUALIFIED 
FALSE!!!!!  ALMOST ANYONE IN MOST SITUATIONS CAN BECOME A FOSTER PARENT!!!  Single people can be foster parents.  Full time students can be foster parents.  People with full time jobs can be foster parents.  Couples with children can be foster parents.  Couples with no children can be foster parents.  Age is NOT deciding factor.  Most living spaces are acceptable to foster in.  The list goes on and on about who CAN foster.

Basically if you can financially support a child, have a spare bedroom AND can love a child, YOU CAN FOSTER!!!!!

PAIL & Infertility Playlist # 1

I think it is time for me to share with you a list of songs (in alphabetical order) that have helped me with grief of losing Micah, Alison, Heidi and Noah and those I will never be able to have.  This will be a long list and I will make more lists in the future.

Please note that these songs represent the entire spectrum in the grieving process.  There are songs that come from deep, dark, agonizing places.  Some songs create healing.  There are songs that bring hope that things will get better.  There are songs that just let your child(ren) know you love and miss him/her/them.  There are songs that talk about faith in God and His plan.  There are also songs for those who are farther along in the journey who are living in brighter days.  There is a wide range of thoughts, feelings and emotions that can come from these songs.  If you are unable to listen to a song on this list because you aren't at that point yet or you are having a bad moment, THAT IS ALRIGHT!!! PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME AND KNOW IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK!!!  You will get through this!!!!


#'s



A
A Heartbeat Away by Jenny Jordan Frogley
All Too Well (the miscarriage song) by singlemotherhoodbychoice (YouTube)
Always There by Troy Allison
Amazing by Janelle
A Mother's Prayer by Celine Dion
Angel by Beverly Mitchell
Answer by Sarah McLachlan
As I lay Me Down To Sleep by Sophie B. Hawkins
A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlson

B
Baby Mine by Allison Krauss
Be Still and Know by Steven Curtis Chapman
Blessings by Laura Story


C
Calling All Angels by Train
Christmas In Heaven by Maribeth Johnson
Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing


D
Dear Jessie by Madona


E
Eternity by Maren Ord
Everyday by Maren Ord


F
Fly by Celine Dion
From Where You Are by Lifehouse
Fix You by Coldplay


G
Glory Baby by Watermark
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) by The Dixie Chicks
Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
Go With God And Live by The Goodman Family
Grace by Kate Havnevik


H
Hands To Heaven by Breathe
Hard To Say Goodbye by John Truscelli
Heaven Got Another Angel by Gordon True
He Hears Me by Hilary Weeks
Held by Natalie Grant
He'll Carry You by Hilary Weeks
Hello, Goodbye by Michael W Smith
Holding Onto Love by Elizabeth South
Hold On, The Light Will Come by Michael Mclean
Hug Him Once For Me by Erica McClure


I
I Believe by Diamond Rio
I Miss You by Lifehouse
I Still Cry by Julie Miller
I Sure Miss You by The Crabb Family
It Might Be Hope for Primary Children's Hospital in Utah
I Will Not Say Goodbye by Danny Gokey
I Will Carry You by Selah
I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey (Beware that the music video showcases families that have successful pregnancies after infertility struggles and Loss, but the song is powerful)



J
Jealous of the Angels by Jenn Bostic
Just Let Me Cry by Hilary Weeks


K



L
Last Lullaby by Itty Bitty Beasts
Let Them Be Little by Billy Dean
Letters From Heaven by Tim Shelter
Live and Breathe form the movie The 5th Quarter
Lullaby by Billy Joel


M
Made For Haven by Andrea Genevieve
My Immortal by Evansence
My Name by George Canyon



N



O
One Moment More by Mindy Smith
One More Day by Lonestar


P
Perfect Way To Start by Craig Aven
Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good


Q



R
Remember by The Goodman Family
Remembering You by Steven Curtis Chapman
Remember Me This Way by Jordan Hill


S
Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift
Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye by Beth Nielsen Chapman
Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
Small Bump by Ed Sheeran
Smallest, Wingless by Craig Cardiff
So Close by Jon Mclaughlin
Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World by Isreal Kamakawiwoole
Stay With Me by Michael McLean
Still by Gerrit Hofsink
Storm by Lifehouse
Storm Before the Calm by Stephanie Boyd


T
Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey
Ten by Yellowcard
The Call by Regina Spektor
There You'll Be by Faith Hill
This Lullaby by Wanda Lindstrom
Tiny Hands by Kenneth Cope
To Where You Are by Josh Groban

U
Until Heaven by Sarah Ann Bertola


V
Visitor From Heaven by Maribeth Johnson



W
Waiting by Maren Ord
When Angels Cry by Janis Ian
Wish I Knew (An Angel Christmas Song) Lisa Whitters
With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman


X



Y
You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins
You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban
You're Not Alone by Michael McLean


Z

Foster & Adoption Playlist #1

To celebrate this new chapter in Bear & I's lives, I am gathering songs that will inspire us and the kids on why we are on this journey.  Here is a list of songs (in alphabetical order) that I have found.  I will make another playlist in a few months with other songs I find.  ENJOY!!!!!

#'s

A

All of Me by Matt Hammitt

Amazing by Janelle

Amos Story by Aaron Ivey

Angel By Your Side by Fracesca Battistelli

A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

At Last by Etta James

At The Beginning With You from Anastasia

B

Beautiful Things by Gungor

Better Days by GooGoo Dolls

Better Place by Rachel Platten

Blackbird by Sarah McLachlan

Blessings by Laura Story

Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

C

Crazy Ride by Michelle Branch

D

Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson

Don't Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia 

E

Echo by Jason Walker

Everything To Me by Mark Schultz

Everything Will Be Alright by Yael Meyer

F

Feels Like Home by Edwina Hayes

Fight Song by Rachel Platten

Firework by Katy Perry

Forever and for Always by Shania Twain

From Gods Arms To My Arms To Yours by Michael McClean

G

Glorious by David Archuleta
God Bless The Children by NFPAFosterCare

H

Happy by Secrets in Stereo

Happy Adoption Day by Mike & the Mighty Magic Pants

Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

Here Comes The Sun by George Harrison

Ho Hey by The Lumineers

Holding On and Letting Go by Ross Copperman

Home by Phillip Phillips

Home Is Where I Make It by NFPAFosterCare

Home We'll Go by Walk Off The Earth

I

I Believe In You by Michael Buble

I Can't Help Falling In Love With You (Elvis version)

I Choose You by Sara Barelles

I Dream Of You by JJ Heller

If We Hold On Together by Diana Ross

If You Fall by JJ Heller

I Get To Be The One by JJ Heller

I Hope You Dance by LeAnn Womak

I Knew I Loved You by Savage Garden

I Knew You Were Waiting For Me by George Michael & Aretha Franklin

I know You're Out There Somewhere by The Moody Blues

I Know You Will by JJ Heller

I See The Light by Mandy Moore "Tangled"

I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders

I Wonder by Kellie Pickler

I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

J

Journey To The Past from Anastasia 

K

Keep You Safe by JJ Heller

Kings and Queens by Audio Adrenaline 

L

Let Down Your Guard by JJ Heller

Love Came Down by Brian Johnson

Loved by JJ Heller

Lovesong by Adele

Lullaby by Dixie Chicks

Lullaby by JJ Heller

M

Meant To Be by JJ Heller

N

Naeleigh Moon by Josh Kelley

Nobody's Child by Amanda Colleen Williams

No Fight Left by JJ Heller 

O

Ooh Child (Things Are Gonna Get Easier) by Five Stairstairs 

Orphan by John Waller

Orphan Lullaby by Lindsey Teefey

Overcomer by Mandisa

P

Planting Trees by Andrew Peterson 

Q

R

Remind Me Who I am by Jason Gray 

S

Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift

See You Again by Carrie Underwood

Shine Your Way by Owl City

So Far To Find You by Casting Crowns

Someday by JJ Heller

Someone's Waiting For You from Disney's The Rescuers

Somewhere Only We Know by Lily Allen

Somewhere Out There by Linda Ronstadt

T

Take Good Care of My Baby by Carole King

Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey

Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood

The Boat Song by JJ Heller

Things Are Gonna Get Better by David Archuleta

This Is Home by Switchfoot

There You'll Be by Faith Hill
To Find You by Sing Street

True Colors by Cyndi Loper

Try by Colbie Caillat

U

Unconditionally by Katy Perry

Until You Came Along by JJ Heller

Up by Sing Street

V

W

Wanted by Hunter Hayes

Welcome by Phil Collins

We Thought You'd Be Here by Wes King

What Love Really Means by JJ Heller

When I'm With You by JJ Heller

When Love Takes You In by Steven Curtis Chapman

Where You Belong by Kari Kimmel

X

Y

You Are Loved by Josh Groban

You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins

You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban

Your Heart Will Lead You Home by Kenny Loggins

Z

Little Man Arrives

On February 6, 2014,  Little Man arrived at 9:56AM.  He weighed 1pound 4.6oz and was almost 12inches long.  He had SUPER light blonde hair and since one of his eyes was open, we could tell he had dark grey/blue eyes.  His hands and feet were tiny.  They were smaller than my thumb.  I had been in labor since 9PM the night before (so 12 hours) and began pushing at 9AM.   Since Little Man was transverse (laying on his back), his head was stuck for quite awhile.  Little Man and I had many tests done to figure out what happened but nothing was found.  Eighteen months later I would learn that my uterus has a deformity that does not allow enough blood to get to the baby to sustain life.

I remember when Little Man was put into my arms for the first time.  It was at 10:03AM (so 7 minutes after birth).  It was such a bitter-sweet moment!!!!  The nurse asked if I wanted to see and hold him.  I immediately said "Oh yes PLEASE" in an almost begging voice.  I had waited for so long to be a mother and to hold a child that was mine.  My arms finally felt full for the first time.  He was so handsome to my Mother Eyes (other people had other descriptions of him).  He wasn't filled out or big like a full-term baby.  His skin was red and tissue paper thin.  His one open eye and open mouth looked unusual.  His head was wrinkly and he had in a pushed in nose and face.  All of that may cause alarm at first meeting, but I LOVED and wanted Little Man just the way he was.

We all (Bear, Mother-In-Law, both Sister-In-Laws, my sister and I),  spent 5 hours holding, dressing and taking pictures of Little Man.  I was trying to get the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (an organization that takes free professional photographs for families who have a stillborn or lost their newborn) to come and take pictures, but the blizzards did not allow them to come.  Luckily, we had our phone cameras and Hoodie brought her photography camera with her.  We were able to get about 100 decent pictures of Little Man.  My Mother-In-Law and SIL1 made a gown and a blanket for Little Man and the hospital provided several more outfits for him.  He was so adorable in some of the pictures.

At 3PM it was time for us to say our final goodbyes to Little Man.  Little Mans skin was deteriorating and seeping at an unbelievable rate.  It just couldn't stand up to all the handling and touching we did.  Also the 2nd blizzard was going to be coming in a few hours and we had to get home before it started.  My MIL, both SILs and sister had left about 30 minutes before to give Bear and I time all to ourselves with Little Man.  Bear was holding him and crying a little bit.  We both told him our farewells and gave him a kiss on the forehead.  His skin was too far gone for me to be able to hold him again so we just laid him down in the bassinet.

The nurse and a porter arrived to take us to the exit.  The nurse puts a blanket over Little Man and pushed the bassinet out of the room.  The porter pushes me in a wheelchair behind Little Man and Bear walks beside me with all of our belongings.  I am back in a mental fog keeping my eyes solely on Little Man ACHING to have him in my arms again.  The nurse stops at a locked door and she unlocks it.  I look into the tiny office, which doesn't look any bigger than a broom closet and she pushes Little Man inside and locks the door back up.  We continue to walk down the hall away from Micah.  I try to look back at the room and try to beg the nurse to take me back.  I wanted above EVERYTHING to break down that door, grab Little Man and run and not stop until Little Man came back.

I didn't though.  I just sat in the wheelchair in complete shock.  I didn't know what to do anymore.  My baby was gone from my belly, my arms and now my life.  I was COMPLETELY lost and felt so alone.  Bear went to get the car and  felt like I was falling.  Never in my wildest nightmares did I ever imagine I would be leaving a hospital with empty arms.  My heart or arms have never been more aching and empty as they were in that moment.  I don't remember the drive home very much or the days and weeks after.  I somehow made it through the darkness and am enjoying the sun again.