Surgery is probably postponed

My surgery may need to be postponed for awhile.  Bear lost his job yesterday and we lost our insurance.  I may have to wait until Bear gets a new job and save up some more money before I can get it done.  NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!

I'll update as soon as I know what will happen.

Rain's 3rd Angelversary

3 years ago today, Bear and I became the parents of 2 Angles with the loss of a our beautiful daughter, Rain.  Bear and I only knew about her coming for 10 days before she left, but our lives are blessed because we had and continue to have her in our lives and in our hearts.  She brought and continues to bring the light, beauty, hope, peace and promise into our lives that we needed after we lost Micah.  I nicknamed her Rain because she was to be our Rainbow Baby. 

No words can describe how dark our lives were the 3 months before Rain came.  There was nothing but tears, storms, confusion, unrelenting grief, cold, loneliness, numbness...  All we wanted was to have Little Man with us again but there was nothing we could do.  We had to find a way to continue to live without our son.

A glimmer of light, beauty, hope, peace and promise broke through the storm clouds when I found out I was expecting again.  It was Mother's Day and Bear and I were on a mini vacation to get me out of town on that unimaginably difficult day.  I had been feeling off for a few days so I decided to take a test in the early morning on Mother's Day (May 11, 2014).  I woke Bear up so we would be together no matter what the outcome was.  It was positive!!!  Just as there are no words to describe what losing Little Man was like, there are no words to describe what having Rain come is like either.  We both were so happy, thankful and able to live again.  I spent days on cloud 9 again.  The future was bright and happy again.  

I thought for sure we would be able to keep her this time.  I didn't think God would take BOTH our babies away from us, especially since He knew how much we BOTH wanted and needed her.  Tragically, I was wrong.  I must have took at least 10 tests to make sure she was staying this time.  With each test I would check to see how much darker the line  would be.  I would compare them to past tests but I panicked when the lines weren't getting darker.  Towards the end, the lines got fainter.  Inside, I was begging to God to PLEASE not take her.  PLEASE let me keep her.

On May 19th, I had a vivid dream where we lost our Little Rain.  In the dream, my sister Star and I were walking along a dirt road to the general store/ post office.  I was in a daze and completely numb.  I felt lost and overwhelmed with grief.  It was a struggle just to take each step.  I realized that I had just lost another child.  I had lost Little Man a few months before, just like in real life.  Now I had lost another baby, and I remember thinking that better not become my realty also.  Star and I reach the general store/ post office and we see a tiny white casket sitting on the counter.  We notice the lid of the casket was on crooked and I have an emotional melt down.  I scream asking what was wrong with my baby.  Why wasn't the lid on properly.  I scream for several minutes before Star calms me down enough for her to pull me over to a corner while she checks things out.

As Star walks over to the casket, I pace back and forth in the corner begging God to please let me have my baby back.  I hear Star take a gasp and I run over to see what was wrong.  As I am running, Star is looking down at my daughter and exclaims  "SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL!!!"  I reach the casket and look down and I see the MOST BEAUTIFUL baby, girl, person, human I have ever seen!!!!  I remember thinking I didn't know I could give birth to a literal angel.  

The baby girl is SO BEAUTIFUL!!! She is tiny (probably about the same age as Little Man), but her skin is perfect and rosy.  She is dressed in a beautiful long white lace and eyelet dress that goes to her ankles and has a matching bonnet.  A halo of warm, bright light surrounds her.  I caress her head, her cheeks, her hands, her tiny feet and I am in complete awe of this angelic being who came to earth to be my daughter as I say "My Rain! My Rain! I lost my beautiful Rain!"


When I woke up from that dream, I knew I would indeed lose her too.  I lost her too soon so I don't have anything to 'prove' she existed.  I just remember her as that beautiful angel in my dream.  I know one day I will have her again and will never be separated again.    


         

2 poems for Loss Mothers

Here are 2 poems I have clung too over the past 3 years, ESPECIALLY around Mother's Day



Poem # 1

What Makes a Mother

By Jennifer Wasik

Written with love for all the Mother's missing their babies

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today I asked, “what makes a Mother”? And I know I heard Him say, A Mother has a baby, This we know is true. But, God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you? "Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in His voice, "I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and other's for a day And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay." I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath, and cleared His throat, and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing here. If you could see your child smile with other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here!” I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here.” So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay Your babies are here in My home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart It's the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one. Poem #2 Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven,  and though it must appear A rather strange idea, I see everything from here. I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother as this day for her is hard. There must be some mistake, I thought, every card you can imagine Except I could not find a card,  from a child from heaven.  She still is a mother too, no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands but oh the tears she cried.  I thought that if I wrote youx that you would come to know That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so. She talks with me, and dreams with me. We still share laughter too, Memories our way of speaking now, Would you see what you could do? My mother carries me in her heart, Her tears she hides from sight. She writes poems to honor me, Sometimes far into the night. She plants flowers in my garden, There my living memory dwells. She writes other grieving parents,  Trying to ease their pain as well. So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth, I must find a way, To remind her of her wonderous worth.  She needs to be honored and remembered too. Just as the children of earth will do. Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best. I have done all I can do, To you I'll leave the rest. Find a way to tell her, How much she means to me Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.  ~Jody Seilheimer~

Mother's Day

Well it is that time of the year where there are so many emotions that arise when thinking about mothers, motherhood and what it means.  Mother's Day has always been hard for me.  Growing up, I really didn't have my mom in my life.  She was someone that would come in and out depending on what she could get out off my siblings and I.  She always seemed to be around when it was time for her to get gifts (Easter, Mother's Day, her birthday (Thanksgiving) and Christmas).  The rest of the year she was nowhere to be found until we got older.

My siblings and I were raised by my Dad's parents.  Although I had my Grandma in my life, she was very sick so she was unable to do things with us.  She did A LOT for us but because of her illness, we weren't able to create many memories and form a bond with her outside of the house.  She wasn't able to go to church or school functions, go to the movies, go shopping or much of anything.  It wasn't her fault she was so sick and was unable to do things with us.  It just was hard when other girls would talk about all that they do with their moms and I didn't have anyone to do anything with.

When my Dad remarried when I was almost 13, I thought WONDERFUL, I will now have a mother figure that will do things with me and I finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship.  WRONG!!! WRONG!!! WRONG!!!  My step-mom is anti-social and had no desire or initiative to have any kind of relationship with me or my siblings.  She is isn't mean to us at all.  She just has no desire to get to know us or have a bond with us.

As you can see, my childhood left Mother's Day a day to remind me of a bond I longed to have with someone but never got.  It left my heart aching and jealous of other children who had a strong mother and child relationship.  I saw mothers and children exchanging hugs, kisses and smilies and I would just watch alone and forgotten on the sidelines.

I think because of my lack of a mother bond, I had a hard, deep desire to be a mother myself.  As long as I  can remember, I longed to be a mother.  I played with dolls (NO BARBIES) long after my peers gave them up.  I had great joy in babysitting and spending time with kids younger then me.  I can go on and on about what I did to quiet the pain in my aching arms.  It physically hurt at times to not have a child in my arms.

When I finally got married, my husband and I tried to have a baby right away.  It took us a full year to conceive our first child, Little Man.  My husband and I were SOOOO HAPPY to FINALLY have the opportunity to be parents.  Even though I had really bad morning sickness, I was still so happy that my life-long hope, was happening.

It all came crashing down when I didn't feel Little Man move anymore and we discovered his heart had stopped.  Our world came to an end!!!  Words can not describe how dark our lives and emotions were in the days, weeks and months after.  We couldn't figure out how to live without our Little Man, our boy, our son.  We just wanted him back so all this pain could end.

Mother's Day of 2014 (May 11th) was just 3 months after losing Little Man.  With the big urging of my Mother-In-Law (whom had 19 loses herself) to  my husband to get me out of town that weekend.  I had felt different for the past week and I was late, so on the early morning of Mother's Day, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive.  I WAS GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE TO BE A MOTHER!!!  We called everyone with the great news and our lives was starting to have light again.

Tragically just 9 days later, I begin to miscarry.  I remember running to the bathroom after seeing blood.  I begged my husband to see what color the blood was (I knew dark brown blood was considered to be old blood and not to really worry but I knew bright pink blood was definitely something to worry about) and BEGGED him to not tell me it was bright pink.  It was!!!  I continued to bleed heavily through the night and into the next day and for days later.  I lost our daughter Rain.  The light we had for the past 10 days was gone and was once again replaced with darkness.  This time the darkness was a bit darker because now we had lost 2 children.  Losing Monkey and Cub 15 months later, just adds to the pain.

Mother's Day is now even a deeper reminder of what I have longed to have or have lost.  Mother's Day just continues to hurt  and it probably always will just a bit.  I REALLY hope that next year's and the years to come will have a different story.      

Hard Days

As you all know Mother's Day is tomorrow and I'm dreading it.  With all 4 of my children in heaven, I just know the only ones who will wish me Happy Mother's Day is my sister and my Mom (only AFTER I wish her Happy Mother's Day first).  My husband doesn't seem to have any special plans (but he does like to surprise me so maybe he has something planned).  We usually go out of town for Mother's Day since my first loss 3 years ago (under the urging of his mother who has had over 19 losses) but he is on-call for work and can't leave town.  There is no one to get me a card (I wish they had cards for our situation), a gift or tell me Happy Mother's Day.

The following Sunday (so May 21st) is the 3rd Anniversary of my 2nd loss, Rain.  I found out I was pregnant with her on Mother's Day 2014 and had happiness for 10 short days before I lost her at 6weeks.  I had our stillborn son, Little Man just 3 months before so losing 2 children in exactly 3&1/2 months was devastating.  

May 29th marks the 3rd Anniversary of Little Mans due date.  Little Man was bornstill at 24weeks, 2 days before my 34th birthday.  I had waited for SOOO LONG to be a mother and it all came to an end.  

These days coming up just keep reminding me of all that I have lost and they will go completely unnoticed by everyone but me.  

I'm having the surgery

Last week, Bear and I went to a fertility specialist to see if having the uterine septate surgery would be a good option for me.  The doctor had my past medical records and told me that I am one of the easiest fixes he has ever had.  It will take a simple 30 minute surgery to take out the wall that is causing all my problems.  He is SOOOOO EXCITED to do my surgery.  Most of his patients need a lot more work to get pregnant.  He is so glad he has an easy case in me.

The doctor had surgery on his shoulder a month before so he is unable to do my surgery for another few weeks.  Once he recovers, his nurse will call me to schedule a date and time for mine.  He says recovery from Septate Uterine surgery is quick and easy.  We should be able to start TTC within 6 weeks after surgery.

UPDATE:  The nurse just called me and the surgery is scheduled for Monday, July 10th.  Hopefully by the end of the summer, we can Catch Our Rainbow!!!!