My 2 Day Old Nephews (TRIGGER)

My sister-in-law had twin boys yesterday. All during her pregnancy I was so happy for her (she has had 3 losses herself). I was over the moon happy yesterday after they were born. I was beyond in love with them when i visited and held them yesterday. My arms felt full for the first time since I held my son who was stillborn. My husband was glowing and couldn't bear to let them go. He kept calling them his babies and was definitely one proud uncle. He would have made such a great dad to our 4 Angles.

I went to see them again today. I was perfectly fine and was excited to see them. All of the sudden about 5 minutes away from the hospital, an overwhelming sadness came over me and I just thought I can't do this. I began to tear up and think I can't see them. I went anyways and I ending up holding one of the twins for over an hour. I had so many mixed emotions as I was holding my nephew. I loved and yet I resented being able to hold him. I was teary eyed for about 10 minutes. I'm teary eyed again as I write this.

I don't understand how I was so happy, excited and thrilled one moment and the very next just want to hide and sob. I don't understand why my nephews were so therapeutic and soothed my empty arms yesterday but today no matter how long I held them, they didn't help.

These the first surviving grandchildren on my husbands side so everyone is SUPER EXCITED!!! Everyone is giving their congrats to my SIL, her husband and my in-laws. They are making a huge deal about them being the first. Right now I want to scream what about my 4 children. What about the 3 my SIL lost???

And it makes me so angry at myself to have these feelings.

A LONG 2 MONTHS!!!!

It was 2 months ago today that Bear asked me to pick him up from work at 11:30 and let me know he had been fired.  Long story short, it was not Bear's fault.  His boss just had unrealistic goals and time lines for projects.  With each day, I felt like I was drowning.  The stress and worry about what we were going to do and where we were going was oppressive.  The constant stress and worry made Bears depression sky rocket.  It was just as bad as it was after we lost Little Man and Rain and then again when we lost Monkey and Cub. We didn't sleep!  I can count on one hand how many times we got to bed before 4AM (if we went to bed at all).  Bear slept on the couch every night.  He didn't think he was good or worthy enough to sleep in our bed.  I could go on and on about how this was just another of the many hells we have lived through since we got married almost 5 years ago.

Yesterday, we finally found solid ground again.  We moved in with my in-laws and even in just the few hours we've been here, I have peace once more.  The closer I got to my in-laws place, the more relief I felt and I couldn't get here fast enough.  I LOVE my in-laws. I LOVE the feelings that are in their home.  They, and their home are a refuge from the storms life throws my way.  I am so blessed to have them in my life and that we have this safe place to rest until we can get back on our feet.  

As I look back on these past 2 months, it caused me to see a little bit of the good at not having living children OR that I ended up not having the surgery.  Having a larger family or having to pay for the surgery would have put much more stress on Bears and his depression much worse.  Not having living children made moving much faster and easier.  We didn't have to pack anything extra that we didn't need.  Being just the 2 of us made it much easier for my in-laws to accommodate our extended stay.  Also, when we get back on our feet, it will be easier for us to go when and where we have or want to go.  

Having no living children also allowed us to focus on and spend time with just each other.  We became closer as a couple and strengthened who we are individually and who we are together.  I'm blessed to have Bear as my partner.   

Foster & Adoption Playlist #2

Here is another Foster & Adoption playlist.  The fist one was published on 2/12/16.  ENJOY!!!!


#'s


A
A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion
Answer by Sarah McLachlan
Arms by Christina Perri



B
Blown Away by Carrie Underwood
Broken by David Archuleta


C
Child Of My Heart by Becky Wright
Confessions of a Broken Heart by Lindsay Lohan


D
Do You Love Me As Your Own by Janice Kapp Perry


E
Everybody Hurts by David Archuleta


F
Forevermore by David Archuleta


G



H
Harbor by Vienna Teng


I
I Get To Love You by Ruelle
I'll Never Go by David Archuleta
I'll Never Let You Down by Colbie Caillat
It Might Be Hope for Primary Children's Hospital in Utah


J



K



L
Lights Will Guide You Home by Coldplay


M
Mean by Taylor Swift


N



O



P



Q



R



S
Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara
Superman (It's Not Easy) by Five for Fighting

T
Take Me, I'll Follow You by Bobby Caldwell
This Time Tomorrow by Trent Debbs
There's A Place For Us by Carrie Underwood
To Be With You by David Archuleta


U



V



W
Waiting For My Real Life To Begin by Colin Hay
When I Find You, I'll Find Me by Joshua Radin


X



Y



Z

PAIL PLAYLIST #2

Here is the long awaited PAIL PLAYLIST #2.  The first playlist is dated 2/13/17.


Please note that these songs represent the entire spectrum in the grieving process.  There are songs that come from deep, dark, agonizing places.  Some songs create healing.  There are songs that bring hope that things will get better.  There are songs that just let your child(ren) know you love and miss him/her/them.  There are songs that strengthen faith in God and His plan.  There are also songs for those who are farther along in the journey who are living in brighter days.  There is a wide range of thoughts, feelings and emotions that can come from these songs.  If you are unable to listen to a song on this list because you aren't at that point yet or you are having a bad moment, THAT IS ALRIGHT!!! PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME AND KNOW IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK!!!  You will get through this!!!!


#'s



A
All The Kings Horses by Karmina
A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion



B
Baby Blue by George Strait
Better Place by Rachel Platten
Break by Rebecca Roubion & Jake Etheridge



C



D




E
Everybody Hurts by David Archuleta
Everything Changes by Sara Bareilles


F




G




H
Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie


I
I Can't Breathe by Bea Miller
If I Needed You by Joey+Rory
If You Can See Me Now by Jeff Bates
I Get To Love You by Ruelle
Inner Demons by Julia Brennan


J
Joey's Song by Joey Martin Freek
Just Another Tragic Story by 5Bugs



K



L




M


N
Not A Day Goes By by Lonestar
Not Right Now by Jason Gray


O
Our God Is In Control by Steven Curtis Chapman


P



Q



R




S
See You There by Joey Freek
Starts With Goodbye by Carrie Underwood
Strong Enough To Cry by Joey Martin

T
This Lullaby by Wanda Lindstrom
The Other Side Of Night by Lyndsay Taylor
There You'll Be by Faith Hill
To Say Goodbye by Joey+Rory


U




V
Volcano by Emily Hearn



W
Wait by David Archuleta
When Faith Runs Deep by Lyndsay Taylor
When I'm Gone by Joey+Rory
Worlds Apart by Joshua Radin


X



Y
You Are The Reason by Calum Scott
You Don't Know by Katelyn Tarver
You'll Be There by Cory Mayo
You Will Be Found from Dear Evan Hansen


Z

2 Years Ago & Today

2 years a go today, I made this announcement on Facebook:    I'M PREGNANT!!!! Bear and I found out on Wednesday but we wanted to make sure things were going OK so far before sharing it with others. Things are looking OK so far but my doctor wants me to get an ultrasound in about 2 weeks. I am 5 weeks today and due March 21, 2016.

It's been 17 months since we lost Little Man and 14 months since we lost Rain. We are both beyond ecstatic to have another opportunity to be parents and hopefully we will have a take home baby this time.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and virtual hugs you have given us over the years. SURE LOVE AND MISS YOU ALL!!!

I received 19 comments ranging from CONGRATULATIONS to I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.  60 other people gave me a thumbs up for the happy news.  

Today I reposted that message AND added this:  Tragically I would lose this pregnancy 20 days later (this time with twins). I LOVE AND MISS YOU LITTLE MAN, RAIN, MONKEY & CUB!!! OUR LOVE WILL FIND YOU WHEREVER YOU ARE (ESPECIALLY IN HEAVEN)!!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE RESPONSE I GOT FOR TODAYS POST??????  ONE SINGLE CRYING FACE (and that was from my Father-In-Law).  I haven't gotten a single comment or any other reaction!!!!!  Sure when I have happy news, everyone comes running but when I mention my DEAD CHILDREN, NOTHING!!!!  I wonder what reaction I will get on August 9th for Monkey and Cubs' 2nd Angelversary  and on August 19th for Day of Hope???

It just hurts beyond words when your Lost child(ren) get overlooked, ignored and forgotten!!!!    

Tate

Today I was planning on being sad!!!  Today was the day I was going to have surgery to fix my septate uterus but life got in the way and chased away any hope of it ever happening.  I was planning on being down in the dumps, so focused on what I wanted above everything for my entire life and not being able to have it.  Instead I got to reconnect with a very dear cousin and help her feel better about her own Losses.

My cousin, Tate, had a difficult life.  She had a younger sister (just 11 months younger then her) who had SEVERE mental and physical disabilities that needed 24 hour care.  Tate was lost with everyones focus on her little sister.  She had a hard time coping and developed unique quirks that kept her isolated from those around her.  I visited Tate and my other extended family every summer until I had to stop to take care of my elderly grandparents and then I got married.  I lost track of her and many of my extended family over the years, but today I was able to reconnect with Tate and had the most wonderful discussion.  I felt bad for Tate and her family when I heard that her sister passed away last year.

One year ago today, she lost her 3 month-old daughter Flutterbye due to a chromosome abnormality.  Tate had her FB wall blasted with pictures and messages of Flutterby.  Flutterby was BEAUTIFUL!!!  I noticed another cousin posted pictures and a message for Flutterby and tagged Tate  I immediately commented on the post and sent her a friend request.   Tate accepted the friend request and then send me a message that she was so happy to get my request.  She has been wanting to befriend me for a long time but she was afraid that I wouldn't remember her (so funny because I was afraid she wouldn't remember me).  We spent the next hour talking about our Angels (besides Flutterby, she has had 2 miscarriages) and how much we love and miss them.  We talked about things that only other Loss parents would understand.

We also talked about how our husbands have handled the Losses.  We agreed that Loss Daddies are DEFINITELY more forgotten then Loss  Mamas.  They lost their children too, but because society forces them to act tough , they can't show the hurt, anger, sadness etc.  I suggested to Tate to get stuffed animals for her babies so her husband and her can cuddle them when they need to feel their children close.  She told me she snuggles with the blanket Flutterby had at the hospital when she is sad.

Tate had to get off and get dinner for her husband then, but she promises to keep in contact.  I sure hope so.  It was so wonderful talking with her!!!  It was exactly what we BOTH needed for today.  We both needed someone to talk to who understood about losing children and not having any living ones in our arms.  We both needed someone who we already had a bond with but didn't know our past histories.  Someone we could start fresh with and someone we didn't have to pretend or hide for.

My thoughts, prayers and hugs go out to my dear cousin, her husband, her 3 Angels and her Angel sister.

Letting Go

In a few weeks, my husband and I are moving for the 7th time in just under 5 years (my husband has a very transient job). Through all of the past moves, we both have kept many keepsakes that we saved to pass down to our future children. We kept old childhood books and toys, random pictures of us as kids and since we've been together, items that we got from our parents and grandparents. I also had baby stuff I got for my pregnancy with Little Man before I lost him at 24weeks, that I kept hoping there would be other babies I would finally be able to use them for. Sadly, I just lost 3 more babies.

As we are packing up to move this time, we realize that there is no reason to keep all of these things. We don't have any children to pass them down too and we never will. It will just cost a lot of money and time to pack these items one more time when we know there is now no reason. We told our family that they can have what they want and the rest will be giving to Goodwill or the dumpster. We are defiantly keeping the 3 boxes full of the keepsakes of our 4 Angels. Other then that we are down to just keeping a washer and dryer, a bed frame, a rug, a chair, a few wall hangings and a few boxes of clothes and a few nic-nacs.

It has been so hard for me to let the other items go. I had dreams of passing them down and telling my children the stories and memories of the items. These items gave me hope that one day I would be a Mommy and have my life-long dream in my arms. Letting these items go and giving them away is a physical act of showing that I am giving up on ever having children. It just makes the ache in my empty arms a bit stronger right now.

I'm trying really hard to focus on the good things of us not having living children, all the things we will never have to worry about and how free my husband and I can be, especially with his job. Deep inside though, a voice keeps reminding me I would give anythings to have a reason to have those worries.