Mother's Day

Well it is that time of the year where there are so many emotions that arise when thinking about mothers, motherhood and what it means.  Mother's Day has always been hard for me.  Growing up, I really didn't have my mom in my life.  She was someone that would come in and out depending on what she could get out off my siblings and I.  She always seemed to be around when it was time for her to get gifts (Easter, Mother's Day, her birthday (Thanksgiving) and Christmas).  The rest of the year she was nowhere to be found until we got older.

My siblings and I were raised by my Dad's parents.  Although I had my Grandma in my life, she was very sick so she was unable to do things with us.  She did A LOT for us but because of her illness, we weren't able to create many memories and form a bond with her outside of the house.  She wasn't able to go to church or school functions, go to the movies, go shopping or much of anything.  It wasn't her fault she was so sick and was unable to do things with us.  It just was hard when other girls would talk about all that they do with their moms and I didn't have anyone to do anything with.

When my Dad remarried when I was almost 13, I thought WONDERFUL, I will now have a mother figure that will do things with me and I finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship.  WRONG!!! WRONG!!! WRONG!!!  My step-mom is anti-social and had no desire or initiative to have any kind of relationship with me or my siblings.  She is isn't mean to us at all.  She just has no desire to get to know us or have a bond with us.

As you can see, my childhood left Mother's Day a day to remind me of a bond I longed to have with someone but never got.  It left my heart aching and jealous of other children who had a strong mother and child relationship.  I saw mothers and children exchanging hugs, kisses and smilies and I would just watch alone and forgotten on the sidelines.

I think because of my lack of a mother bond, I had a hard, deep desire to be a mother myself.  As long as I  can remember, I longed to be a mother.  I played with dolls (NO BARBIES) long after my peers gave them up.  I had great joy in babysitting and spending time with kids younger then me.  I can go on and on about what I did to quiet the pain in my aching arms.  It physically hurt at times to not have a child in my arms.

When I finally got married, my husband and I tried to have a baby right away.  It took us a full year to conceive our first child, Little Man.  My husband and I were SOOOO HAPPY to FINALLY have the opportunity to be parents.  Even though I had really bad morning sickness, I was still so happy that my life-long hope, was happening.

It all came crashing down when I didn't feel Little Man move anymore and we discovered his heart had stopped.  Our world came to an end!!!  Words can not describe how dark our lives and emotions were in the days, weeks and months after.  We couldn't figure out how to live without our Little Man, our boy, our son.  We just wanted him back so all this pain could end.

Mother's Day of 2014 (May 11th) was just 3 months after losing Little Man.  With the big urging of my Mother-In-Law (whom had 19 loses herself) to  my husband to get me out of town that weekend.  I had felt different for the past week and I was late, so on the early morning of Mother's Day, I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive.  I WAS GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE TO BE A MOTHER!!!  We called everyone with the great news and our lives was starting to have light again.

Tragically just 9 days later, I begin to miscarry.  I remember running to the bathroom after seeing blood.  I begged my husband to see what color the blood was (I knew dark brown blood was considered to be old blood and not to really worry but I knew bright pink blood was definitely something to worry about) and BEGGED him to not tell me it was bright pink.  It was!!!  I continued to bleed heavily through the night and into the next day and for days later.  I lost our daughter Rain.  The light we had for the past 10 days was gone and was once again replaced with darkness.  This time the darkness was a bit darker because now we had lost 2 children.  Losing Monkey and Cub 15 months later, just adds to the pain.

Mother's Day is now even a deeper reminder of what I have longed to have or have lost.  Mother's Day just continues to hurt  and it probably always will just a bit.  I REALLY hope that next year's and the years to come will have a different story.