Rain's 3rd Angelversary

3 years ago today, Bear and I became the parents of 2 Angles with the loss of a our beautiful daughter, Rain.  Bear and I only knew about her coming for 10 days before she left, but our lives are blessed because we had and continue to have her in our lives and in our hearts.  She brought and continues to bring the light, beauty, hope, peace and promise into our lives that we needed after we lost Micah.  I nicknamed her Rain because she was to be our Rainbow Baby. 

No words can describe how dark our lives were the 3 months before Rain came.  There was nothing but tears, storms, confusion, unrelenting grief, cold, loneliness, numbness...  All we wanted was to have Little Man with us again but there was nothing we could do.  We had to find a way to continue to live without our son.

A glimmer of light, beauty, hope, peace and promise broke through the storm clouds when I found out I was expecting again.  It was Mother's Day and Bear and I were on a mini vacation to get me out of town on that unimaginably difficult day.  I had been feeling off for a few days so I decided to take a test in the early morning on Mother's Day (May 11, 2014).  I woke Bear up so we would be together no matter what the outcome was.  It was positive!!!  Just as there are no words to describe what losing Little Man was like, there are no words to describe what having Rain come is like either.  We both were so happy, thankful and able to live again.  I spent days on cloud 9 again.  The future was bright and happy again.  

I thought for sure we would be able to keep her this time.  I didn't think God would take BOTH our babies away from us, especially since He knew how much we BOTH wanted and needed her.  Tragically, I was wrong.  I must have took at least 10 tests to make sure she was staying this time.  With each test I would check to see how much darker the line  would be.  I would compare them to past tests but I panicked when the lines weren't getting darker.  Towards the end, the lines got fainter.  Inside, I was begging to God to PLEASE not take her.  PLEASE let me keep her.

On May 19th, I had a vivid dream where we lost our Little Rain.  In the dream, my sister Star and I were walking along a dirt road to the general store/ post office.  I was in a daze and completely numb.  I felt lost and overwhelmed with grief.  It was a struggle just to take each step.  I realized that I had just lost another child.  I had lost Little Man a few months before, just like in real life.  Now I had lost another baby, and I remember thinking that better not become my realty also.  Star and I reach the general store/ post office and we see a tiny white casket sitting on the counter.  We notice the lid of the casket was on crooked and I have an emotional melt down.  I scream asking what was wrong with my baby.  Why wasn't the lid on properly.  I scream for several minutes before Star calms me down enough for her to pull me over to a corner while she checks things out.

As Star walks over to the casket, I pace back and forth in the corner begging God to please let me have my baby back.  I hear Star take a gasp and I run over to see what was wrong.  As I am running, Star is looking down at my daughter and exclaims  "SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL!!!"  I reach the casket and look down and I see the MOST BEAUTIFUL baby, girl, person, human I have ever seen!!!!  I remember thinking I didn't know I could give birth to a literal angel.  

The baby girl is SO BEAUTIFUL!!! She is tiny (probably about the same age as Little Man), but her skin is perfect and rosy.  She is dressed in a beautiful long white lace and eyelet dress that goes to her ankles and has a matching bonnet.  A halo of warm, bright light surrounds her.  I caress her head, her cheeks, her hands, her tiny feet and I am in complete awe of this angelic being who came to earth to be my daughter as I say "My Rain! My Rain! I lost my beautiful Rain!"


When I woke up from that dream, I knew I would indeed lose her too.  I lost her too soon so I don't have anything to 'prove' she existed.  I just remember her as that beautiful angel in my dream.  I know one day I will have her again and will never be separated again.