The last few days, I've been thinking about our future foster kids. My heart breaks for them!!!! I am devastated to know that they are going to be neglected, abused and unloved before they get to our home. They are going to have to survive a living hell before making it to the refuge of our arms.
I'm also feeling a bit guilty too. When you have been WANTING, WAITING, PRAYING, LONGING and ACHING to be a mother for as long as I have (over 30 years), you will gladly take any kid that come into your arms. You will accept them in any way and in any situation. You JUST WANT TO HOLD A CHILD!!!!! I WANTED children to come to me the normal, happy way. Where everything goes great (except for severe morning sickness) for 9 months, I spend a few hours in labor and get a beautiful bundle of joy at the end. I have a happy family. Tragically, it didn't turn out that way for us.
Most couples next option is infertility treatments. I can't get my kids through that way either. I have a severe deformity of my uterus that will not allow enough blood supply to the baby beyond 23 weeks (in case you are wondering about Little Man, his heart actually stopped beating at 22weeks5days. He just wasn't 'born' until his 24week mark). There is nothing I can do to get my body to be able to carry a baby to a survivable gestational age. Since there is no hope for me to carry a baby that can survive, Bear and I are not going to even try. I know there are other fertility options that don't involve ME carrying the baby but Bear and I are not open to those choices (a HUGE YIPPEE to those who do those options though).
The next option is adoption. Yes, Bear and I would LOVE to adopt children and be able to keep them forever and never have to worry about saying goodbye (we have already said goodbye to 4 children, isn't that enough????!!!!). Unfortunately our finances will not accommodate the $20,000 it may take to get a child. It's so heartbreaking to see so many children that are waiting for homes but it just costs too much to get them. So as of now, our only option to get kids into our heart, lives, home and arms, is through foster care.
I'M SOOOOOO SORRY FUTURE FOSTER CHILD!!!!!!! I'M SO SORRY that your life has been filled with trauma, neglect and abuse!!!! I'M SO SORRY that you have to be taken away from your family and home. I'm SO SORRY that even though your life was in shambles, it's the only thing you know. I'M SO SORRY that you feel completely lost and alone. I'M SO SORRY that you are terrified. I'M SO SORRY that you don't know who you can trust. I'M SO SORRY that you don't know where to find love, or even what love is. I'M SO SORRY for so many things, BUT the thing I am MOST sorry about is that you have to live though all of this, just so I can have what I have always wanted... YOU!!!
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