January 17th 2014, 2015 and 2017

My heart is so full right now!!! Yesterday my husband and I went to our first foster parenting class.  I can't put into words how happy and full my heart and spirit felt.  It was as if I had just found out I was pregnant again.


I was a bit apprehensive about the day.  Yesterday was the 3rd Anniversary that I found out my first baby was going to be a boy.  I was SO HAPPY that day!!!!  I always dreamed that my first baby was going to be a boy.  I always pictured my family would have a big brother.  Little Man was SOOOO ADORABLE in his ultrasound session that day.  I treasured every moment and every picture I got with him.  I never would have guessed in my wildest nightmares, that I would lose him just 3 weeks later at 24weeks.


Yesterday was also the 2nd Anniversary due date of Rain.  Rain is our 2nd baby.  I became pregnant with her just 3 months after losing Little Man.  I was once again SOOOO HAPPY when I found out about her.  It was Mother's Day, May 11th 2014.  My husband and I had spent the 3 months previous walking, stumbling and just standing still  in the dark.  Our lives were in shambles after losing Little Man.  Finding out we were pregnant with  Rain brought light, hope, peace, beauty and promise back into our lives.  Our lives went back in the dark just 10 days later when I miscarried her at 6weeks.  She should have been born on January 17th 2015.

I remember 2 years ago.  My cousin, who was due 9 days after I was, went into labor early that morning.  Although I was hoping and praying for a happy outcome, I begged and pleaded to God for her NOT to give birth that day.  It was hurting me too much that she was getting to experience something I should have been doing that day.  I should have been having my baby girl that day!!!  I should have been the one SCREAMING in labor pains,  NOT me be the one SCREAMING inside for my lost daughter.  I stocked my cousin's FB page and those of her family trying to find any update on her progress.  I was stressed and an emotional wreck.  I was envious and jealous of her.  I WANTED IT TO ME that had all the attention of the family.  I WANTED IT TO BE ME that was in labor and would get a baby out of the agonizing pain.  I WANTED IT TO BE ME that would finally be able to hold my child.  My cousin had her daughter 7 minutes before midnight on January 17th.

Yesterday should have been Rain's 2nd birthday.  We should have thrown her a party, bought her presents, made a cake.  Instead, I spent time yesterday holding her special stuffed animal and holding the wood box that holds all that we have left of her.


Those 2 anniversaries  just reminds us of the great losses we have endured (along with the loss of twins Monkey and Cub at 8weeks in August 2015).  Those should have been happy occasions but they just bring pain to our hearts and make our arms feel even more empty.  I just hope last nights experience will bring memories of joy, hope, love and fullness to future January 17ths.