They Grow In Our Hearts

So why did I name this blog They Grow In Our Hearts?????  Why don't you read a little bit about my story and I think you will find out (I'll give my reason at the end).  My name is Jewel.  My husband, Bear, and I have been married for almost 4 1/2 years.  We met on a dating site and married exactly 6  month later.  I'm from the west coast and Bear is from the mid-west.  I moved to the mid-west when we got married and I have loved every moment living here.  

Bear and I are parents to 4 children that live in our hearts but not in our arms.  Our oldest is Little Man who was born-still at 24weeks in February 2014.  Our daughter, Rain is next.  I miscarried her at 6weeks in May 2014 (exactly 3 1/2 months after Little Man was born-still).  We then lost twins, Monkey and Cub, in August 2015  at 8weeks.  Bear and I love, think about and miss our 4 Angels every moment of every day.  Even though they were in our lives for only a moment, they have changed them forever.

Bear and I have both been wanting to be parents since we were about 4 years old.  I remember all through my childhood, being a mother was ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE!!!!  I never really wanted to go to collage (beyond an Associates Degree).  I never wanted a career.  I just wanted to be a Stay-At-Home Mom!!!!!  My favorite toys growing up were dolls.  I had well over 100 dolls throughout my childhood.  I played with them every moment of my spare time.  I also probably played with them for a much longer time period then other girls.  I also babysat several days a weeks for many years.  I was known at my church as The Babysitter.  I dreamed about, thought about, longed for, wished for, prepared for,  prayed for and ACHED to be a mother.  

Losing our 4 children was devastating.  We wanted them more then anything.  Our lives, hearts and arms felt so empty.  After we lost the twins, we finally found out the reason we lost them.  That knowledge though, brought on even more pain, because with that diagnosis, we found out that my body would never be able to carry a child to a viable age.  Kendall and I will never be able to see our life long dream of becoming biological parents come true.  Our hearts are devastated that we will never be able to have the children we dreamed of having.

Which brings us to fostering (and hopefully adoption in the near future)!!!!  After 3 years of losing Little Man, Bear and I are both in a place in our healing to grow our family in other ways.  We have a desire to help and love other children and families.  We believe fostering and adoption will further heal our empty arms and hearts.  We are both SO EXCITED to be getting ready to have children in our home (and lives).  I know fostering will be really hard.  It will be heartbreaking to let these children go.  I know though, that there will be INNUMERABLE blessings that come from helping these children.  

Back to my original question, why did I name this blog They Grow In Our Hearts????  Well, we have 4 children that grew in my body but never made it to grow in our arms.  We have biological children that we still want to have but will never grow in my body or grow in our arms.  Now we will have children in our lives that did not grow in my body but will grow in our arms.  No matter how these children are in our lives, whether through pregnancy loss, aching for children that will never come or through fostering and adoption, THEY ALL GROW IN OUR HEARTS!!!!! 

January 17th 2014, 2015 and 2017

My heart is so full right now!!! Yesterday my husband and I went to our first foster parenting class.  I can't put into words how happy and full my heart and spirit felt.  It was as if I had just found out I was pregnant again.


I was a bit apprehensive about the day.  Yesterday was the 3rd Anniversary that I found out my first baby was going to be a boy.  I was SO HAPPY that day!!!!  I always dreamed that my first baby was going to be a boy.  I always pictured my family would have a big brother.  Little Man was SOOOO ADORABLE in his ultrasound session that day.  I treasured every moment and every picture I got with him.  I never would have guessed in my wildest nightmares, that I would lose him just 3 weeks later at 24weeks.


Yesterday was also the 2nd Anniversary due date of Rain.  Rain is our 2nd baby.  I became pregnant with her just 3 months after losing Little Man.  I was once again SOOOO HAPPY when I found out about her.  It was Mother's Day, May 11th 2014.  My husband and I had spent the 3 months previous walking, stumbling and just standing still  in the dark.  Our lives were in shambles after losing Little Man.  Finding out we were pregnant with  Rain brought light, hope, peace, beauty and promise back into our lives.  Our lives went back in the dark just 10 days later when I miscarried her at 6weeks.  She should have been born on January 17th 2015.

I remember 2 years ago.  My cousin, who was due 9 days after I was, went into labor early that morning.  Although I was hoping and praying for a happy outcome, I begged and pleaded to God for her NOT to give birth that day.  It was hurting me too much that she was getting to experience something I should have been doing that day.  I should have been having my baby girl that day!!!  I should have been the one SCREAMING in labor pains,  NOT me be the one SCREAMING inside for my lost daughter.  I stocked my cousin's FB page and those of her family trying to find any update on her progress.  I was stressed and an emotional wreck.  I was envious and jealous of her.  I WANTED IT TO ME that had all the attention of the family.  I WANTED IT TO BE ME that was in labor and would get a baby out of the agonizing pain.  I WANTED IT TO BE ME that would finally be able to hold my child.  My cousin had her daughter 7 minutes before midnight on January 17th.

Yesterday should have been Rain's 2nd birthday.  We should have thrown her a party, bought her presents, made a cake.  Instead, I spent time yesterday holding her special stuffed animal and holding the wood box that holds all that we have left of her.


Those 2 anniversaries  just reminds us of the great losses we have endured (along with the loss of twins Monkey and Cub at 8weeks in August 2015).  Those should have been happy occasions but they just bring pain to our hearts and make our arms feel even more empty.  I just hope last nights experience will bring memories of joy, hope, love and fullness to future January 17ths.