Letting Go

In a few weeks, my husband and I are moving for the 7th time in just under 5 years (my husband has a very transient job). Through all of the past moves, we both have kept many keepsakes that we saved to pass down to our future children. We kept old childhood books and toys, random pictures of us as kids and since we've been together, items that we got from our parents and grandparents. I also had baby stuff I got for my pregnancy with Little Man before I lost him at 24weeks, that I kept hoping there would be other babies I would finally be able to use them for. Sadly, I just lost 3 more babies.

As we are packing up to move this time, we realize that there is no reason to keep all of these things. We don't have any children to pass them down too and we never will. It will just cost a lot of money and time to pack these items one more time when we know there is now no reason. We told our family that they can have what they want and the rest will be giving to Goodwill or the dumpster. We are defiantly keeping the 3 boxes full of the keepsakes of our 4 Angels. Other then that we are down to just keeping a washer and dryer, a bed frame, a rug, a chair, a few wall hangings and a few boxes of clothes and a few nic-nacs.

It has been so hard for me to let the other items go. I had dreams of passing them down and telling my children the stories and memories of the items. These items gave me hope that one day I would be a Mommy and have my life-long dream in my arms. Letting these items go and giving them away is a physical act of showing that I am giving up on ever having children. It just makes the ache in my empty arms a bit stronger right now.

I'm trying really hard to focus on the good things of us not having living children, all the things we will never have to worry about and how free my husband and I can be, especially with his job. Deep inside though, a voice keeps reminding me I would give anythings to have a reason to have those worries.