My sister-in-law had twin boys yesterday. All during her pregnancy I was so happy for her (she has had 3 losses herself). I was over the moon happy yesterday after they were born. I was beyond in love with them when i visited and held them yesterday. My arms felt full for the first time since I held my son who was stillborn. My husband was glowing and couldn't bear to let them go. He kept calling them his babies and was definitely one proud uncle. He would have made such a great dad to our 4 Angles.
I went to see them again today. I was perfectly fine and was excited to see them. All of the sudden about 5 minutes away from the hospital, an overwhelming sadness came over me and I just thought I can't do this. I began to tear up and think I can't see them. I went anyways and I ending up holding one of the twins for over an hour. I had so many mixed emotions as I was holding my nephew. I loved and yet I resented being able to hold him. I was teary eyed for about 10 minutes. I'm teary eyed again as I write this.
I don't understand how I was so happy, excited and thrilled one moment and the very next just want to hide and sob. I don't understand why my nephews were so therapeutic and soothed my empty arms yesterday but today no matter how long I held them, they didn't help.
These the first surviving grandchildren on my husbands side so everyone is SUPER EXCITED!!! Everyone is giving their congrats to my SIL, her husband and my in-laws. They are making a huge deal about them being the first. Right now I want to scream what about my 4 children. What about the 3 my SIL lost???
And it makes me so angry at myself to have these feelings.
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