What to do????

I'm sorry I haven't posted in awhile.  I was out of town for 2 weeks and before that, Bear and I had a few life changes.  One of the life changes involved deciding between foster kids OR biological kids.  I do have to confess that in previous posts I said what was wrong with my uterus could not be fixed with surgery.  The truth is, it CAN be fixed with a very simple surgery, but until last week, my husband and I felt the surgery would not be right for us.  We thought it would be too expensive, it might not work and we have a few family traits we didn't want to pass down.  With all this stacked against the surgery, we took it off the table as an impossibility for me.  It felt like there was no hope of having biological children.



With one of the life changes that happened 2 weeks ago, my husband told me that he was ready for me to get my surgery and for us to try for biological children.  He had secretly been saving money for my surgery in case we changed our minds.  I was thrilled to hear this!!!!  I have been waiting for over THREE DECADES to be a mother, to hold MY child in my arms.  It was a COMPLETE DREAM COME TRUE to hear those words coming from my husband.



There is a problem though.  My husband doesn't want to get overwhelmed with having too many children at once so he wants us to focus on just biological children for right now.  I am a bit upset with this news.  This is the 2nd time we have backed out of fostering and I feel like we are letting so many people down.  The agency who have put so much time and effort into Husband and I I'm sure will feel let down.  The children waiting for families who don't care about biology need us.  My heart is breaking thinking about it.  I worry about the surgery not working and I still lose babies.  What happens than?????  We won't get a 3rd chance for fostering.  I just don't know what to do????



Do we choose surgery and biological children OR back to fostering?????

Some fears about fostering #1

This country has an extreme shortage of foster homes that are needed.  There are over 400,000 children that are in foster care every year.  Most children spend 2 years in foster care.   There are not enough homes for these children to go to and those that are fostering, are filled to capacity and are still being called to take more children in.  I have friends that are foster parents.  They currently have an 8 year old adopted son and are the foster parents of a sibling group of 5 (ages 14-14months) for the past 10 months.  In the past, they had up to 9 foster children in their home (even though the limit is 6 children total) because no other foster home in area had room.  I think there is such a shortage of foster homes in this country because society has quite a few fears regarding foster children and fostering in general.  I hope this little post will help overcome some of these fears and will encourage other families to foster.


Since I, myself, am brand new on the fostering journey, I know very little so far and have had no personal experience.  I will make more of these posts every couple of months (and maybe even expand on the fears from this post).


Fear #1  IT WILL BE TOO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO THE CHILD
I (and especially my husband) am afraid of this fear too!!!!  In fact, according to my husband, this is what made him stop the fostering process in the summer of 2016.  At the time, he couldn't think he could fall in love with a child and then have to let go of that child, especially if the child was going back into the environment they had been abused in.  We have already said goodbye to our 4 children, how could we deliberately get into a situation where we would knowingly be saying goodbye to more children that we love????

The best solution to this problem is to STILL LOVE THESE CHILDREN FOR AS LONG AS YOU HAVE THEM FOR!!!!!  These children still NEED to be loved!!!!  Most of them need more love than children in a happy homes.  These children come from extreme abuse and neglect.  They NEED to be in homes that are not only safe, but one where they are surrounded in love.  Treat and love these children as your own.  DO NOT be emotionally distant with these children because you are afraid of the pain when they go.  YES IT WILL HURT!!!!  That pain just means that you loved them and that you were a great parent.


Fear #2  THESE KIDS WILL HAVE MAJOR BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS
NOT TRUE!!!!  Many children who come into care, are children with normal childhood behaviors. They will act like any child raised in a happy home.  They may have delays in physical and cognitive areas, but with time and therapy, they have every opportunity to catch up to their peers.

For children who have gone trough extreme trauma, abuse and neglect, yes there will be behavior issues (who wouldn't have behavior issues if you were for punishment put under scalding water and then have IcyHot put on the burns).  There is special training and much help for these children and the foster homes who are open to having them.  These children need more safety, love and consistency than other children.  DO NOT LET THE FEAR OF WHAT COULD GO WRONG STOP YOU FROM DOING WHAT IS RIGHT!!!!


Fear #3  I'M NOT QUALIFIED 
FALSE!!!!!  ALMOST ANYONE IN MOST SITUATIONS CAN BECOME A FOSTER PARENT!!!  Single people can be foster parents.  Full time students can be foster parents.  People with full time jobs can be foster parents.  Couples with children can be foster parents.  Couples with no children can be foster parents.  Age is NOT deciding factor.  Most living spaces are acceptable to foster in.  The list goes on and on about who CAN foster.

Basically if you can financially support a child, have a spare bedroom AND can love a child, YOU CAN FOSTER!!!!!

PAIL & Infertility Playlist # 1

I think it is time for me to share with you a list of songs (in alphabetical order) that have helped me with grief of losing Micah, Alison, Heidi and Noah and those I will never be able to have.  This will be a long list and I will make more lists in the future.

Please note that these songs represent the entire spectrum in the grieving process.  There are songs that come from deep, dark, agonizing places.  Some songs create healing.  There are songs that bring hope that things will get better.  There are songs that just let your child(ren) know you love and miss him/her/them.  There are songs that talk about faith in God and His plan.  There are also songs for those who are farther along in the journey who are living in brighter days.  There is a wide range of thoughts, feelings and emotions that can come from these songs.  If you are unable to listen to a song on this list because you aren't at that point yet or you are having a bad moment, THAT IS ALRIGHT!!! PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME AND KNOW IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK!!!  You will get through this!!!!


#'s



A
A Heartbeat Away by Jenny Jordan Frogley
All Too Well (the miscarriage song) by singlemotherhoodbychoice (YouTube)
Always There by Troy Allison
Amazing by Janelle
A Mother's Prayer by Celine Dion
Angel by Beverly Mitchell
Answer by Sarah McLachlan
As I lay Me Down To Sleep by Sophie B. Hawkins
A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlson

B
Baby Mine by Allison Krauss
Be Still and Know by Steven Curtis Chapman
Blessings by Laura Story


C
Calling All Angels by Train
Christmas In Heaven by Maribeth Johnson
Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing


D
Dear Jessie by Madona


E
Eternity by Maren Ord
Everyday by Maren Ord


F
Fly by Celine Dion
From Where You Are by Lifehouse
Fix You by Coldplay


G
Glory Baby by Watermark
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams) by The Dixie Chicks
Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
Go With God And Live by The Goodman Family
Grace by Kate Havnevik


H
Hands To Heaven by Breathe
Hard To Say Goodbye by John Truscelli
Heaven Got Another Angel by Gordon True
He Hears Me by Hilary Weeks
Held by Natalie Grant
He'll Carry You by Hilary Weeks
Hello, Goodbye by Michael W Smith
Holding Onto Love by Elizabeth South
Hold On, The Light Will Come by Michael Mclean
Hug Him Once For Me by Erica McClure


I
I Believe by Diamond Rio
I Miss You by Lifehouse
I Still Cry by Julie Miller
I Sure Miss You by The Crabb Family
It Might Be Hope for Primary Children's Hospital in Utah
I Will Not Say Goodbye by Danny Gokey
I Will Carry You by Selah
I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey (Beware that the music video showcases families that have successful pregnancies after infertility struggles and Loss, but the song is powerful)



J
Jealous of the Angels by Jenn Bostic
Just Let Me Cry by Hilary Weeks


K



L
Last Lullaby by Itty Bitty Beasts
Let Them Be Little by Billy Dean
Letters From Heaven by Tim Shelter
Live and Breathe form the movie The 5th Quarter
Lullaby by Billy Joel


M
Made For Haven by Andrea Genevieve
My Immortal by Evansence
My Name by George Canyon



N



O
One Moment More by Mindy Smith
One More Day by Lonestar


P
Perfect Way To Start by Craig Aven
Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good


Q



R
Remember by The Goodman Family
Remembering You by Steven Curtis Chapman
Remember Me This Way by Jordan Hill


S
Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift
Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye by Beth Nielsen Chapman
Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
Small Bump by Ed Sheeran
Smallest, Wingless by Craig Cardiff
So Close by Jon Mclaughlin
Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World by Isreal Kamakawiwoole
Stay With Me by Michael McLean
Still by Gerrit Hofsink
Storm by Lifehouse
Storm Before the Calm by Stephanie Boyd


T
Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey
Ten by Yellowcard
The Call by Regina Spektor
There You'll Be by Faith Hill
This Lullaby by Wanda Lindstrom
Tiny Hands by Kenneth Cope
To Where You Are by Josh Groban

U
Until Heaven by Sarah Ann Bertola


V
Visitor From Heaven by Maribeth Johnson



W
Waiting by Maren Ord
When Angels Cry by Janis Ian
Wish I Knew (An Angel Christmas Song) Lisa Whitters
With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman


X



Y
You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins
You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban
You're Not Alone by Michael McLean


Z

Foster & Adoption Playlist #1

To celebrate this new chapter in Bear & I's lives, I am gathering songs that will inspire us and the kids on why we are on this journey.  Here is a list of songs (in alphabetical order) that I have found.  I will make another playlist in a few months with other songs I find.  ENJOY!!!!!

#'s

A

All of Me by Matt Hammitt

Amazing by Janelle

Amos Story by Aaron Ivey

Angel By Your Side by Fracesca Battistelli

A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

At Last by Etta James

At The Beginning With You from Anastasia

B

Beautiful Things by Gungor

Better Days by GooGoo Dolls

Better Place by Rachel Platten

Blackbird by Sarah McLachlan

Blessings by Laura Story

Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

C

Crazy Ride by Michelle Branch

D

Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson

Don't Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia 

E

Echo by Jason Walker

Everything To Me by Mark Schultz

Everything Will Be Alright by Yael Meyer

F

Feels Like Home by Edwina Hayes

Fight Song by Rachel Platten

Firework by Katy Perry

Forever and for Always by Shania Twain

From Gods Arms To My Arms To Yours by Michael McClean

G

Glorious by David Archuleta
God Bless The Children by NFPAFosterCare

H

Happy by Secrets in Stereo

Happy Adoption Day by Mike & the Mighty Magic Pants

Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

Here Comes The Sun by George Harrison

Ho Hey by The Lumineers

Holding On and Letting Go by Ross Copperman

Home by Phillip Phillips

Home Is Where I Make It by NFPAFosterCare

Home We'll Go by Walk Off The Earth

I

I Believe In You by Michael Buble

I Can't Help Falling In Love With You (Elvis version)

I Choose You by Sara Barelles

I Dream Of You by JJ Heller

If We Hold On Together by Diana Ross

If You Fall by JJ Heller

I Get To Be The One by JJ Heller

I Hope You Dance by LeAnn Womak

I Knew I Loved You by Savage Garden

I Knew You Were Waiting For Me by George Michael & Aretha Franklin

I know You're Out There Somewhere by The Moody Blues

I Know You Will by JJ Heller

I See The Light by Mandy Moore "Tangled"

I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders

I Wonder by Kellie Pickler

I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz

J

Journey To The Past from Anastasia 

K

Keep You Safe by JJ Heller

Kings and Queens by Audio Adrenaline 

L

Let Down Your Guard by JJ Heller

Love Came Down by Brian Johnson

Loved by JJ Heller

Lovesong by Adele

Lullaby by Dixie Chicks

Lullaby by JJ Heller

M

Meant To Be by JJ Heller

N

Naeleigh Moon by Josh Kelley

Nobody's Child by Amanda Colleen Williams

No Fight Left by JJ Heller 

O

Ooh Child (Things Are Gonna Get Easier) by Five Stairstairs 

Orphan by John Waller

Orphan Lullaby by Lindsey Teefey

Overcomer by Mandisa

P

Planting Trees by Andrew Peterson 

Q

R

Remind Me Who I am by Jason Gray 

S

Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift

See You Again by Carrie Underwood

Shine Your Way by Owl City

So Far To Find You by Casting Crowns

Someday by JJ Heller

Someone's Waiting For You from Disney's The Rescuers

Somewhere Only We Know by Lily Allen

Somewhere Out There by Linda Ronstadt

T

Take Good Care of My Baby by Carole King

Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey

Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood

The Boat Song by JJ Heller

Things Are Gonna Get Better by David Archuleta

This Is Home by Switchfoot

There You'll Be by Faith Hill
To Find You by Sing Street

True Colors by Cyndi Loper

Try by Colbie Caillat

U

Unconditionally by Katy Perry

Until You Came Along by JJ Heller

Up by Sing Street

V

W

Wanted by Hunter Hayes

Welcome by Phil Collins

We Thought You'd Be Here by Wes King

What Love Really Means by JJ Heller

When I'm With You by JJ Heller

When Love Takes You In by Steven Curtis Chapman

Where You Belong by Kari Kimmel

X

Y

You Are Loved by Josh Groban

You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins

You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban

Your Heart Will Lead You Home by Kenny Loggins

Z

Little Man Arrives

On February 6, 2014,  Little Man arrived at 9:56AM.  He weighed 1pound 4.6oz and was almost 12inches long.  He had SUPER light blonde hair and since one of his eyes was open, we could tell he had dark grey/blue eyes.  His hands and feet were tiny.  They were smaller than my thumb.  I had been in labor since 9PM the night before (so 12 hours) and began pushing at 9AM.   Since Little Man was transverse (laying on his back), his head was stuck for quite awhile.  Little Man and I had many tests done to figure out what happened but nothing was found.  Eighteen months later I would learn that my uterus has a deformity that does not allow enough blood to get to the baby to sustain life.

I remember when Little Man was put into my arms for the first time.  It was at 10:03AM (so 7 minutes after birth).  It was such a bitter-sweet moment!!!!  The nurse asked if I wanted to see and hold him.  I immediately said "Oh yes PLEASE" in an almost begging voice.  I had waited for so long to be a mother and to hold a child that was mine.  My arms finally felt full for the first time.  He was so handsome to my Mother Eyes (other people had other descriptions of him).  He wasn't filled out or big like a full-term baby.  His skin was red and tissue paper thin.  His one open eye and open mouth looked unusual.  His head was wrinkly and he had in a pushed in nose and face.  All of that may cause alarm at first meeting, but I LOVED and wanted Little Man just the way he was.

We all (Bear, Mother-In-Law, both Sister-In-Laws, my sister and I),  spent 5 hours holding, dressing and taking pictures of Little Man.  I was trying to get the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (an organization that takes free professional photographs for families who have a stillborn or lost their newborn) to come and take pictures, but the blizzards did not allow them to come.  Luckily, we had our phone cameras and Hoodie brought her photography camera with her.  We were able to get about 100 decent pictures of Little Man.  My Mother-In-Law and SIL1 made a gown and a blanket for Little Man and the hospital provided several more outfits for him.  He was so adorable in some of the pictures.

At 3PM it was time for us to say our final goodbyes to Little Man.  Little Mans skin was deteriorating and seeping at an unbelievable rate.  It just couldn't stand up to all the handling and touching we did.  Also the 2nd blizzard was going to be coming in a few hours and we had to get home before it started.  My MIL, both SILs and sister had left about 30 minutes before to give Bear and I time all to ourselves with Little Man.  Bear was holding him and crying a little bit.  We both told him our farewells and gave him a kiss on the forehead.  His skin was too far gone for me to be able to hold him again so we just laid him down in the bassinet.

The nurse and a porter arrived to take us to the exit.  The nurse puts a blanket over Little Man and pushed the bassinet out of the room.  The porter pushes me in a wheelchair behind Little Man and Bear walks beside me with all of our belongings.  I am back in a mental fog keeping my eyes solely on Little Man ACHING to have him in my arms again.  The nurse stops at a locked door and she unlocks it.  I look into the tiny office, which doesn't look any bigger than a broom closet and she pushes Little Man inside and locks the door back up.  We continue to walk down the hall away from Micah.  I try to look back at the room and try to beg the nurse to take me back.  I wanted above EVERYTHING to break down that door, grab Little Man and run and not stop until Little Man came back.

I didn't though.  I just sat in the wheelchair in complete shock.  I didn't know what to do anymore.  My baby was gone from my belly, my arms and now my life.  I was COMPLETELY lost and felt so alone.  Bear went to get the car and  felt like I was falling.  Never in my wildest nightmares did I ever imagine I would be leaving a hospital with empty arms.  My heart or arms have never been more aching and empty as they were in that moment.  I don't remember the drive home very much or the days and weeks after.  I somehow made it through the darkness and am enjoying the sun again.      

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE MAN!!!

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY LITTLE MAN!!! Three years ago today, you arrived in our arms sleeping. Your heart stopped beating a week before due to not enough blood getting to your growing body. Words can not describe how much we love and miss you. Daddy and I both had been wanting, longing, yearning, praying and aching for you for so long. That day was such a bittersweet experience and birthday present (Daddy's birthday was 7 days before and mine was 2 days later). You were finally in our arms and we were parents. Of course it was the worst day of our lives because you were gone and nothing anyone could do would bring you back.

We all got to hold you, dress you and take pictures of you for 5 hours before we had to say our finally goodbyes. Leaving the hospital with empty arms was the HARDEST MOMENT of my life!!!! When the nurse pushed you into the broom closet and locked the door, it took every fiber within me not to break down that door, grab you and run and keep running until you came back.

Life has been hard without you and your 3 siblings (whom I also lost in early miscarriage), but it is better. I have a lot more good days than bad. It doesn't hurt to smile or laugh of think about you 4 anymore. I am fine around babies and pregnancies. There are some moments it may be hard, but I get through them quickly. Just know that you and your brother and sisters are loved and missed beyond words. You will never be forgotten and Daddy and I long for the moment when we can hold you again.

I'm sending you all my thoughts, love and hugs to you LITTLE MAN!!!

The Hospital

Three years ago today, Bear and I had slept in because we hadn't slept well the night before.  At 10 o'clock, we got a call from my midwife telling us her colleague wanted us at the hospital by noon.  Bear and I quickly packed and called all the family to let them know we were going in.  We left the house at 11 o'clock and it was just starting to flurry.  By the time we got on the interstate, the snow was beginning to stick to the road.  Within 20 minutes the snow was coming down hard and fast.  Visibility was down to around 20 feet and accidents were occurring all around us.  We ourselves almost got into several accidents.  The drive was slow and nerve wreaking.  It usually would have taken us 45 minutes to an hour to get to that hospital but it took us 2 hours and 45 minutes.

We arrived at the hospital at 1:45 PM.  I remember stepping out of the car and begging Heavenly Father to please not make us do this, to PLEASE just give us Little Man back.  I didn't want to be there, to do what we were there to do.  I wanted to run as far away as I could away from this living nightmare.  I was about to run when Bear took my hand and led me to the entrance.   We walked into the hospital hand in hand.  Knowing that Kendall was beside me gave me the courage to walk in with my head held high and to be brave through the coming minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years.

The front desk was closed but we were told to go right up to the maternity floor (I think it was the 4th floor??).  We get to the nurses desk and get signed in.  I was still in shock and fear.  They led us through the halls where we heard crying newborn babies.  I wanted to run again.  I wanted more than anything to be able to hear Little Man cry.  We were led to a room at the end of the hallway, away from the other mothers and babies.  The room was large and had beautiful wood-like flooring.  There was the bed and a couch and several chairs.  There was plenty of room to walk around.

After I got settled and the nurses left, Bear and I spent time looking out the window watching the blizzard outside.  We talked some (I don't remember what we talked about but I  do remember laughing).  Neither one of us had cried yet (at lest in front of each other) and we still acted like we were ok.

Bear's sister and her new husband (they had only been married for 3 weeks) came over for a visit.  Bear's parents and other sister and my sister were also trying to come but the blizzard was making it near impossible to leave.  Bear's mother, sister and my sister were finally able to arrive the following day due to the service of friends and miracles from heaven.