On February 6, 2014, Little Man arrived at 9:56AM. He weighed 1pound 4.6oz and was almost 12inches long. He had SUPER light blonde hair and since one of his eyes was open, we could tell he had dark grey/blue eyes. His hands and feet were tiny. They were smaller than my thumb. I had been in labor since 9PM the night before (so 12 hours) and began pushing at 9AM. Since Little Man was transverse (laying on his back), his head was stuck for quite awhile. Little Man and I had many tests done to figure out what happened but nothing was found. Eighteen months later I would learn that my uterus has a deformity that does not allow enough blood to get to the baby to sustain life.
I remember when Little Man was put into my arms for the first time. It was at 10:03AM (so 7 minutes after birth). It was such a bitter-sweet moment!!!! The nurse asked if I wanted to see and hold him. I immediately said "Oh yes PLEASE" in an almost begging voice. I had waited for so long to be a mother and to hold a child that was mine. My arms finally felt full for the first time. He was so handsome to my Mother Eyes (other people had other descriptions of him). He wasn't filled out or big like a full-term baby. His skin was red and tissue paper thin. His one open eye and open mouth looked unusual. His head was wrinkly and he had in a pushed in nose and face. All of that may cause alarm at first meeting, but I LOVED and wanted Little Man just the way he was.
We all (Bear, Mother-In-Law, both Sister-In-Laws, my sister and I), spent 5 hours holding, dressing and taking pictures of Little Man. I was trying to get the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (an organization that takes free professional photographs for families who have a stillborn or lost their newborn) to come and take pictures, but the blizzards did not allow them to come. Luckily, we had our phone cameras and Hoodie brought her photography camera with her. We were able to get about 100 decent pictures of Little Man. My Mother-In-Law and SIL1 made a gown and a blanket for Little Man and the hospital provided several more outfits for him. He was so adorable in some of the pictures.
At 3PM it was time for us to say our final goodbyes to Little Man. Little Mans skin was deteriorating and seeping at an unbelievable rate. It just couldn't stand up to all the handling and touching we did. Also the 2nd blizzard was going to be coming in a few hours and we had to get home before it started. My MIL, both SILs and sister had left about 30 minutes before to give Bear and I time all to ourselves with Little Man. Bear was holding him and crying a little bit. We both told him our farewells and gave him a kiss on the forehead. His skin was too far gone for me to be able to hold him again so we just laid him down in the bassinet.
The nurse and a porter arrived to take us to the exit. The nurse puts a blanket over Little Man and pushed the bassinet out of the room. The porter pushes me in a wheelchair behind Little Man and Bear walks beside me with all of our belongings. I am back in a mental fog keeping my eyes solely on Little Man ACHING to have him in my arms again. The nurse stops at a locked door and she unlocks it. I look into the tiny office, which doesn't look any bigger than a broom closet and she pushes Little Man inside and locks the door back up. We continue to walk down the hall away from Micah. I try to look back at the room and try to beg the nurse to take me back. I wanted above EVERYTHING to break down that door, grab Little Man and run and not stop until Little Man came back.
I didn't though. I just sat in the wheelchair in complete shock. I didn't know what to do anymore. My baby was gone from my belly, my arms and now my life. I was COMPLETELY lost and felt so alone. Bear went to get the car and felt like I was falling. Never in my wildest nightmares did I ever imagine I would be leaving a hospital with empty arms. My heart or arms have never been more aching and empty as they were in that moment. I don't remember the drive home very much or the days and weeks after. I somehow made it through the darkness and am enjoying the sun again.
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