"I'm sorry, but this pregnancy is a loss" was said to us 3 years ago today. Our lives have NEVER, nor will it EVER be the same. After days of not feeling Little Man move, I made an appointment with my mid-wife to be checked out. Bear was supposed to have gone to work that Monday, but a blizzard over the weekend trapped his car and he was unable to get it out (THANK-YOU GOD!!!) so he was able to go with me.
We drove the hour it took to get to her office. On the way there I thought I had felt Bear move. My heart leapt with relief and joy, something I hadn't felt for a very long time. Tears came to my eyes as I kept begging Little Man to keep kicking (which I thought he was doing). I told Bear that Little Man was kicking again and we discussed if we should continue with the appointment or not. We decided to keep going just to make sure everything was fine. Besides, Bear had plans to take me out to an early birthday dinner at a BBQ diner near the office.
We arrive at the appointment and my mid-wife has me lay on a day bed. She asks questions and I told her I felt Little Man kick on our way to the office. She takes my vitals and begins looking at how Little Man is doing. First she starts with the hand held Doppler. She squeezes jelly on my and moves the wand over my belly. She searches for several minutes with a worried look on her face. She pauses on a heartbeat and grabs my wrist to figure out if it's Little Man's heartbeat or mine. IT'S MINE!!!
My midwife brings out a small, old ultrasound machine and moves the wand over the same spot. We immediately see Little Man, laying on his back, not moving. We all try a for a few moments to get him to move. Nothing works. My midwife said "of course he would be sleeping now, wouldn't he". After a few moments more, she raises me up and hands me a towel to clean up. She tells us to go to another office that has a better ultrasound machine.
We go to the other office. It's the same place we had been to just 3 weeks before for the anotomy scan. The front desk gets us in right away. I'm led to the same chair I sat in 3 weeks before. The tension in the air is thick, so much different then it had been before. The technician turns on the screen as she puts the wand on my stomach. We see Little Man once again on his back but before we get more then 5 seconds of seeing him, the technician quickly turns off the screen, takes the wand off my belly and says the life ending phrase "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss"
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