I'm sorry, but this pregnancy is a loss (Part 2)

"I'm sorry, but this pregnancy is a loss"  Those words brought our world to a stop.  I remember being in complete shock.  I felt like I was falling and I couldn't stop.  I didn't know where I was, where I was going or what I was doing.  All I knew was that our son was gone and there was nothing we could do to bring him back.  Bear had to lead me to the door because I was so lost.  We got back in the car and made the round of calls.  We let everyone know Little Man was gone.

We drove back to my midwifes office and she led us to a room to wait (she was with another patient).  Bear and I looked around the room trying to understand the whens, why's and how's of the recent news.  As I was looking around the room, I spotted a familiar painting which brought a tiny bit of stability into my falling world.  The painting was of a breath-taking, large waterfall among green hills and yellow canyons.  I knew this paining because as a wedding gift from my sister and sisters-in-laws they gave us the exact same painting (they had found it in a thrift store and fell in love with it).  It was even more familiar to me because it was a painting of the Lower Falls of Yellowstone National Park.  I have seen those Falls in person at least 20 times and I have a very deep love of Yellowstone.  If I had to pick a place that was my refuge, my place of peace, my place of strength, I would choose Yellowstone.

My midwife comes in the room and we talk about our options.  Kendall and I decided that since a blizzard was coming the next day, we would try to go to the hospital that day.  My midwife would try to get a hold of her partner that worked at the hospital to see if we could come in.  While we were waiting to hear back, Bear and I had lunch at Gates BBQ.

I was still in shock or denial and didn't act like we had just lost our son.  Bear and I were both talking and laughing and acted like everything was alright.  Neither one of us had cried yet.  No one would have guessed our world was gone.

As we had lunch, my midwife called saying that we probably won't be able to go to the hospital that day.  She would contact me tomorrow if she heard back from her colleague.  We drove back home in silence as we processed what had happened and what will happen in the coming days, weeks, months and years.

On the way home, we stopped off at a grocery store to get food and supplies for the 2 upcoming blizzards.  While at the grocery store, I found a puzzle of Jesus Christ holding a child on His lap (Forever and Ever by Greg Olsen).  It brought peace to me because it reminded me of where Little Man was.  Bear picked up the puzzle and bought it for me.

Just like in that moment seeing the puzzle, I have to remember where all of our children are at.  They are with Heavenly Father and Christ.  They are being held and loved by Them until Bear and I can hold them for Eternity.